When I Look At You

Chapter 1

You wake up earlier than usual because you were trying to get into a new and healthier routine. Late nights and sleeping during the day simply wasn't going to cut it anymore. However, deciding to start this new routine with a morning jog with only an hour of sleep probably wasn't the best start. At least it was a start, is what you tell yourself as you tighten the laces on your worn out sneakers.

You plug your earbuds into your cell phone and pick the playlist you spent most of the night organizing to motivate you to exercise. The playlist was much longer than you intended to jog for, but it did help to wake you up. You opened the front door and instead of being greeted by the glaring sun you're used to, it's a dark neighborhood. A few of the residents have their front lights on but it didn't provide much light. As you think about turning around and crashing on the couch, celebrating the effort of simply opening the door, you shake your head to clear it. You wanted to go on the run more than you wanted to sleep on your couch.

You grab your keys and lock the door behind you before you walk down to the sidewalk and start your jog. That's all it was, a simple jog. No more, and you allowed yourself moments of less. When you return home, breathless and sweaty, the sun is rising. You sit on your front steps to catch your breath and admire the various colors the sun painted the sky with before you headed inside to shower.

The first thing you do once you get out is order an arm phone holder online. You thought you would be fine just holding it in your hand but you hated it the entire jog. You connected your phone to one of your portable speakers to listen to an audiobook while you made yourself breakfast. It wasn't anything special, scrambled eggs with ketchup and a glass of orange juice, but you remind yourself that it's just a start.

You check the time on your watch and quickly move to your computer. You join the online meeting with your writing team and they are all surprised to see you clean and alert. "I'm trying something new," you say sheepishly. They congratulate you and you settle them down to get the meeting started. The deadline for your next book was closing in and you hardly had anything together. Your editor was trying to be patient with you but your agent had a different and much harsher approach to get you focused. "I know, I know," you sigh into your hands as you stretch the skin on your face down. "It's just hard to write a continuation of this sappy love story when I'm not the same person that wrote this crap. I was young and in love back when I started this series. I didn't think my life would be where it is today. I just... I can't keep writing this sappy fantasy anymore," you explain.

"Well the publishing company purchased three more of these written by you and there's a contract. There's no way out of it, Y/n!" Your manager scolds. "They made sure of it. I had your lawyer look over it plenty of times. You're writing again and that's final."

"Here's an idea," your assistant chimes in. "You write based on how you're feeling, right? So why not continue to put the characters through what you're feeling now?"

"That's actually not a bad idea," Mike, the editor, agrees.

You shake your head, "I don't know guys, I've always been able to keep my characters happy. I can't just jump from a happy ending to a sad beginning. That won't make any sense to my readers."

"Why not? Isn't that what happened to you?" Natalie, your assistant, presses. "There can't be an argument of whether or not it's realistic because things can go wrong fast and they did." You tell her to watch it but she doesn't let it go. "You've always said that there's a real element to your stories. There's a truth. There's you in it. Well, your life basically blew up out of the blue. Why can't the characters?"

"Because it's not fair to them," you say with a frown as you pick at the dirt under your fingernails. "Besides, that would be a completely different concept from the one I pitched," you mutter to your nails.