When I Look At You

Chapter 5

A Year Later

You feel your heart race as you sit in the dressing room, pacing back and forth as you feel the panic rise. You force yourself to sit down and spot five things you see; television, vanity, chair, coffee table, flowers in a vase. Next, you find four things to touch as you focus your breathing; the sofa, throw pillows, pants, rings. You close your eyes to listen for three different sounds; the crew members outside of the room, the air conditioner, the low volume of the taping. Then you try to find two different scents; the perfume of the flowers and the plate of brownies they left for you . Finally, you select one to eat for one thing to taste. Your breathing returns to normal and you feel calm enough to function again.

"I cannot believe we're here," Leigh says as she returns to the room. She was pulled away to have another quick media training session. Your publicist was very nervous about Leigh saying the wrong things since this would be her first time being interviewed. However, you were certain that Leigh was going to be better at this than you ever were. "I know this might be hard for you to remember because it was eons ago, but I have to ask. What was it like your first time?" She sits next to you and plucks pieces from the brownie in your hand.

You choose to ignore the joke she was trying to make about your age and give her a thoughtful answer. It wasn't until your birthday came around that she found out you are roughly seven years her senior. Which led to endless teasing about your age difference that you chose to ignore most of the time. "It was exciting," you say. "I got to see way more of the world than I ever thought I would in my lifetime. Met and befriended a lot of cool people. I believe you civilians call them celebrities. I wouldn't know, it's been awhile since I've been normal." She scoffs, commenting on how she doesn't believe you were ever normal. You shake your head and continue, "It was quite the experience. How are you currently feeling about all of it?"

"It's very surreal. I had no idea that moving into that house would lead to all of this." She laughs to herself at the thought. "It feels kind of wrong at the same time. Don't you think?" Her eyes tell you what her mouth can't and you have to look away.

"If I think about that right now, I won't make it out of this room."

Leigh shuts her eyes and scoots away from you, "No you're right. Now's not the time to get into that." She puts her hands on her knees as she focuses on her breathing to prevent her head from spinning around the thoughts of how many people's deaths brought them together. It was difficult to not let it affect her, especially now that it was on her mind. Her writing career wasn't going far and her marriage was hanging by a thread. Then her husband dies, her mother sells her childhood home, her sister leaves for a bit and when she returns they move in together. Across the street is someone who had just lost their family a year previous. Someone with a writing career and connections she could only dream of. A knock on the door brings her out of the tornado of guilt. Leigh clears her head before opening her eyes.

"Follow me, you're on deck," a stagehand waves you and Leigh in her direction and the pair of you stand. Leigh looks at you with a nervous smile and you reach to squeeze her hand, offering your support. Together, you walk over to the spot that you'll be entering through and patiently wait to be introduced.

A Few Weeks Later

You let out a puff of air as you collapse face first on your bed. It always felt good to return home after doing a book tour. Although, it wasn't the bed you wanted to be returning to and the empty house depressed you, but nonetheless, you were grateful to be done with planes and interviews and readings and book signings. The only thing that made the trip bearable was your new co-author.

Leigh found the offer to be a surprise and denied it twice before she accepted. She felt a little weirder about it than she thought she would. It made sense, she was spending the majority of her time writing with and supporting you. To be added to the payroll and given a credit on the book seemed like something that should happen. However, when it did. When there was a contract with her name on it and a negotiable offer, it felt strange. This series was practically a love letter to your wife and daughter. To have her name added to it felt wrong. Then, after she rejected the contract for a second time. You and Leigh finally had a full discussion about it. By the end of it, she felt better and had her mom look over the contract for her, who had a lawyer look over it. Eventually, Leigh signed it and the two of you threw a party at her house to celebrate.