When I Look At You

Chapter 9

Three Years Later

"I'm gonna get you!" You say as you chase the crawling baby in the living room. When you stop in front of her, preventing her from leaving the rug, you play a little game of peekaboo to get her laughing. She makes you happy with her little giggle, dark eyes that have a brightness to them, and her toothless grin. Watching your interaction with her niece, Leigh gets a little teary eyed. When Jules announced her pregnancy, of course Leigh was thrilled but she was also very envious that she wasn't making the same announcement. Instead, she had to hide a miscarriage because she didn't want to talk about it. It was hard enough to experience it with you.

Jules smiles as she watches her sister watch you. "When do you think Y/n will be ready for kids?" With all of the excitement around the wedding, the question of when you and Leigh are going to become parents was a popular one. After the wedding, it would have a polite general answer before the question started to hurt to hear. People in your lives were constantly asking you and Leigh when you were planning to expand your family. Until you began to tell people that because of your loss, you weren't ready to be a parent again. It shut the subject down almost instantly. Nobody knew that it was Leigh who was holding off and as far as you were concerned, no one needed to. It wasn't any of their business. But Leigh did feel guilty about hiding behind you when it came to that topic.

"Whenever I'm ready to," you say, to keep Leigh from having to come up for something on your behalf. "You're going to need to get better at your volume control if you're going to get in with one of those groups of gossiping mom's when this one starts school," you joke with your niece in your arms. "Mommy is loud, huh?" You speak in a baby voice as you move her arms. The baby continues to giggle in your arms as you play with her.

Jules rolls her eyes, "I'm just saying. You look like you have baby fever and my sister isn't getting any younger!"

"Jules," Leigh snaps. "Just, drop it okay?"

"Geez, grumpy. I was just trying to–"

"I know what you were trying to do. But I don't need you to do anything for me, okay? Did you ever consider that maybe it's me who isn't ready?"

Jules holds her hands up in surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'll drop it."

Leigh deflates with a heavy sigh, "Thank you." But still upset, she exits the living room. "I just need a minute," she says and Bandit jumps from where he was on the sofa to follow her. You stop Jules from following her sister by handing Avery to her. You tell her that you have it handled and she lets you go as she focuses on her daughter. You knock softly on the bedroom door to announce your presence before you enter. "I'm sorry, I don't know why this is so hard. Women miscarry all of the time. Some even multiple times! They're still able to try again." She wipes at her tears as they fall rapidly. You lock the door behind you as you go to kneel down in front of where she sits on the unmade bed.

You place your hands on her thighs and rub them as you try to help her breathe again as she was getting herself worked up. "Love, listen to me. It will happen for us when it's the right time, okay? Like Bandit did. Remember?" Hearing his name, the dog inches closer to Leigh and licks up some of the tears on her cheek. "Besides, we have a lot of things going on. You just got your first solo book deal and you'll want to focus on that. It can be a lot of work. Do you think Jules would be able to write a book by your deadline while taking care of Avery?" You say to try to make her feel better. "The timing is just bad."

Leigh pets Bandit to calm herself down and takes slow deep breaths as she digests your words. She knows that you were trying to make her feel better but to put a career over family just never sat right with her. "Jules wouldn't be able to because she's single, hasn't ever written anything other than a school assignment, and the father is practically useless. I have you," she holds your face with her other hand and you lean into her touch with a frown.