When I Look At You

Chapter 10

You and Leigh sit staring at the sonogram images confirming what she already knew. It has been a couple of hours since leaving the doctor's office. The news that was supposed to be amazing, weighed heavy on the two of you. Leigh wanted to be as happy as she was the first time. She wished she could be arguing about names with you and making plans for the nursery. However, she also wished that the negative result she got the night she took the first test was the correct result. When she took the test again the next morning it was positive. Then the two of you had to run to the store again to buy more tests. It took four more positives and two more negatives for Leigh to even make the appointment. She has been quiet with fear ever since the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.

For you, all you wanted to do was to protect Leigh from getting hurt again. She wanted to be a mother more than anything and you wanted that for her. You feel frozen at the thought that you can't guarantee this for her. Every step that you struggled to take before seems to be a walk in the park now. At least you had some control over the outcome of those steps. This was completely out of either of your hands.

"We should eat something, we haven't eaten since breakfast," Leigh says as she gets up from the sofa. You remain frozen in your spot as you look at the image, the last thing on your mind was food. "What are you in the mood for? I kinda want to order something." With the lack of your response, Leigh shuts the refrigerator and pulls her phone out. "Hmm, oh this looks good! I'm just going to order, you'll eat pretty much anything." She says knowing you're not paying attention to a word she is saying.

The train of thoughts in your mind were racing each other. Forget helping through the pregnancy, there's so much bad that could happen to the baby once they're born. You walk over to your wife and carefully hold her from behind. You pepper a few kisses on the side of her head. "How are you handling this better than I am?" You whisper in amazement.

She takes a deep breath through her nose and struggles to blink away the oncoming tears. "I don't think that I am. It's just that..." she pauses to find the words. Any words that might make sense as to what is going on inside of her. "I just can't sit around and let the fear consume me. I have to move, I have to take care of myself. More than ever before. I can't... I can't let myself spin. I need to think about right now and right now, I'm hungry." She wipes away a couple tears and you lay your head on her shoulder.

"They do always say that the best way to fight anxiety is to live in the moment," you say for no particular reason other than to have something to say. You lift your head back up and conjure up the best smile that you can. "What are you getting us?"

Over the course of the next few weeks, you and Leigh are buried in every pregnancy book and online articles. Learning everything there is to learn about having a healthy pregnancy. When Leigh decides to go on a specific diet, you join her in support. Completely cutting out everything you normally enjoy. It was tough on the both of you but there is a significant amount of motivation that pushes the both of you through.

At every doctor visit, the pair of you have a written set of questions and voice record every answer. You go over the top by organizing and labeling each one in case of an emergency. The doctor was concerned about the signs of obsession from the pair of you and suggested that maybe the couple should consider telling people sooner to have outside support and insight.

Leigh, of course, was completely against the idea. What happens if she loses this pregnancy? How was she supposed to face people after yet another loss? But you thought it might be something to consider. Since finding out about the pregnancy, the two of you have become complete hermits. The only time you saw other people was through video calls and doctors appointments. Leigh has found ways to successfully avoid Amy's weekly dinners and anything her friends or Jules tried to invite her to. As for you, holing up in a house and avoiding the world was nothing new for you. In fact, you're certain you could write a manual on the subject. You would have been fine with it, if you didn't recognize the benefits of letting other people in. It's the way you and Leigh got together in the first place.