When I Look At You

Chapter 8

The first week in the house was rough. The second was a little easier. By the third, you made the decision to have the rooms boxed up. You order tens of boxes and put them together as you fill each of them with your wife and daughter's things. Switching rooms after each box is done so that you don't feel too overwhelmed by taking them down.

For the first time in years, you call Taylor's parents to offer things they might want of hers or of Allison's. They were upset with how long it took you to contact them. Pointing out how insensitive you've been by shutting them out. They give a passive aggressive compliment about your newest book which you forgot they were on the PR list of who to send the book to until they mentioned it. They continued by saying that you looked very well on the news. As if nothing bad had ever happened to you.

After they hang up on you with the request that you never contact them again, you sit in the closet with what is left in this world of your wife and you cry. You hold a pile of her clothes that still smell like her and scream into them. Frustrated from the phone call that you had with her parents. They never did like you because of how fast the relationship happened. They only tolerated you during the marriage because they did love their daughter and granddaughter. Now that both ties between you and them are gone you're sure that they are happy that you're out of their lives for good. They blamed you at the funeral and the last words from her mother before today were, "It should have been you." Something that you couldn't argue with, because you thought the same. Still do most days. You allow yourself to grieve and hate them for an hour before you resume packing. You couldn't dig a hole for yourself. You couldn't stop living again. You couldn't let yourself rot in the closet.

When the closet is done, you feel as empty as it is. Instead of dwelling on the emotion you make a phone call and a couple hours later, you are looking at dogs with Leigh in your office. "So you haven't figured out what to do with this place," she starts as you continue to scroll down the pages of dogs. You make a noise to acknowledge her. "And we're still not moving in together," she continues as she walks and plays with the trinket on the bookshelf.

"Not unless you've changed your mind," you turn to her.

Leigh gives you a soft smile, "No, I haven't changed my mind." She continues where she left off as wipes her finger on the shelf to collect some of the dust. She makes a face and can't wait for the day you want to clean. Or even hire someone to clean. "But you want to get a dog together now instead of later?"

You offer her your hand to hold and she takes it. You pull her onto your lap in your desk chair and she makes a noise in surprise. Up until now, you haven't been this close to her in the house. "I am making the effort to show that I believe in us." Slightly confused, she asks you to elaborate. "Getting a dog with you. I don't know. I guess it symbolizes, at least to me, that I not only see a future with you. I want a future with you. I want to build a life with you."

She hums, "So a little puppy is supposed to prove all of that to me?"

You nod, "Well I could get a ring–"

"Woah," she moves off of your lap. "I think a puppy is enough for now." You laugh and pull her back to you to share a sweet kiss. When it ends the two of you remain close while gazing into each other's eyes. As much as you tried to avoid it, she indeed became your best view. Something that you'll admit to her one day but you don't want to hear her teasing right now. That's not the mood you were in. "You don't waste time, do you?" She has her fingers making soothing circles on your cheeks.

"We never know how much time we have, why waste it?" You kiss her again. This one growing with her eager hands pulling on your shirt. Knowing where it leads, the action brings you out of the moment and you begin to panic a bit. "Hold on," you whisper against her lips. Leigh stops and asks you what's wrong. "Nothing it's just..." She doesn't need you to finish speaking, she has a pretty good guess as to what is stopping you. Guilt covers your features as you don't want her to feel rejected and to reassure you that she is fine Leigh gives you a lingering kiss on your forehead. You smile at the affectionate way she treats you and change the subject. "So, tell me. What kind of dog is your dream dog?"