TheseAreMyMessages

Forgotten

Today was the day.

I was mentally and physically strong enough. I had trained enough. I was motivated as ever. I wanted to win. The weeks of jumping hurdles, tripping, getting shin splints, walking home, and returning enthusiastically, finally paid off. Today was our first track meet.

Dismissed early from 8th Period, I jogged eagerly to the PE lockers and changed quickly. I had never in my life looked forward to something so small, yet so motivating. I got to the track quickly, where two other school teams prepared.

After setting up the hurdles, stretching, and greeting my friends, who came to support me, I practically skipped to the starting line of the 110 meter hurdles event. This was my time to shine.

The 7th Grade boys went first, six at a time. These were the First Heat. Upon starting, the Oxford kids were quickly left in the dust. The taller of the two had tripped on the first one. The shorter one had trouble keeping up with the other 4, from the other schools.

At the finish line, the results were recorded.

1) South

2) Oxford

3) Orangeview

4) South

5) Orangeview

6) Oxford

I was still standing at the starting line at the time, both screaming with joy and frustration.

Next up was the Second Heat 7th Grade Boys 110 Meter Hurdles. I was just about the jump on the track, when the judge called out the names.

He called out two boys from Orangeview. And he ended.

I was confused. Why were there only 2 kids on the track? There were 4 lanes open. If it was actually a second heat, why didn't he call my name?

Before I could react, the two got onto their blocks, and prepared for the starting gunshot. I felt like asking the judge if I could join, since I was signed up for the event. Too late. Bang! The two were off.

I immediately got off the dirt, and calmed myself on the grass, where all the athletes waited. I blinked a whole bunch, thinking that it was a mistake in paperwork. OR it was that the coach didn't sign me up. OR that he thought I wasn't good enough. OR that he forgot there would be a Second Heat. OR that he hated me. Or he....

And I broke.

Tears streamed down, so I tried to cover it with my hands. I closed my eyes. I felt like crying forever. I felt like stopping. I just couldn't make up my mind.

I jogged away from the starting line, stifling tears from forming. Not many people noticed. I approached the area where audience stood. I wanted to tell my friends of my sudden heart attack. But, I wanted to hide. I wanted to go home, already. There was no purpose to stay anymore.

I found Sarah first, the girl I had a crush on for a five-month's time. She was with her best friend, and saw me crying. She tried to comfort me, but I felt like it wasn't natural for her to stop a broken heart. She only asked a question, "What happened?"

I answered her, hoping for a response. I felt strange, because I thought she would be able to help me. She didn't. It was just a question. 

I fell into deeper pain. I wiped my eyes some more, and only cracked further. She was the one I revealed my deepest secrets to, beside my best friend. She was what made me love school. And she LET ME DOWN.

I ran, further than I could ever have imagined, and stopped to answer comforting comments by some of my closer friends. They didn't make it worse, but they didn't and couldn't heal me, either.

Then, I just left. I ran to the lockers. I changed out, drying my eyes on my sweater hoodie. I sat in silence, as the First Heat Hurdlers came up to me, and reassured me. I still felt untouched. Nothing could penetrate my heart enough to heal it. What they said almost bounced off.

I couldn't stop crying. No matter how many times people stopped by to comfort me, I couldn't stop thinking of another reason that I didn't get in. After all my hard work and leg pains, I received nothing. No even an apology from the coach.

After sitting down for a while, I thought about why I was crying. It wasn't because I was couldn't participate. Not because I hated the coaches. Not because of my friends.

It was because I was left out. I felt like I wasn't needed.

Rather than my surroundings, it was my own heart. I decided to suck in the pain. It only hurt more.

That's the funny thing about feeling left out. Of all the reasons to cry, why is it that we will always cry from being left out? How about our other fears?

Why is it that we cry when we are unfriended? When our voices don't get heard? When we can't express how we feel, the right way? When we are a wall, in between a fight? When we are alone, in pain?

To me, it is just a matter of getting yourself known. It is the only thing that can heal you from being left out. Hopefully, the people you trust will be there.

But, when even the best of friends cannot heal you, it is only up to time. Time to recover from the stress. The pain. The loneliness.

Until this moment, I cannot control the thoughts in my head. Still, I haven't gotten over it yet. But hopefully, the scars of being unknown will heal.

But, forever in my mind, these people who helped to cure me are true friends:

Bella. @isabella-rose

Bezawit.

Joseph.

Alan. @ZyneOptimus

Annika.

Bryan.

Andrew.

Pedro.

Audrey.

Aubrey.

If it wasn't for them, I would be broken. I would cease to exist. I would crumble up due to my tears, weathering my heart away.

And, to those who I loved and appreciated my life with, but were too ignorant to help me:

Please remember that I have always been there to comfort you, whenever you needed it. But, I would never have known that you didn't care about me the same. All the love, joy, and appreciation I had given to you have washed away. Because of you, I cannot think the same way. If you could open your heart a little bit more....

My message to everyone is:

In life, stay true to your true friends, rather than befriending the swaying relationships.

Hopefully, they will be there to support you, when you want to fall down.