LIVING to DIE

CHAP 1 : VALIDATION

8th May, 2022

I FELT LIKE DYING

For the nth time I called out to God, I want to die. I have been feeling this for at least some years now, but the past 6 months has been worse.

Every morning I wake up asking ,Why am I still living? Every morning I am looking for my purpose. Every morning I feel empty. Every morning I feel insignificant. Every morning I seem to die.
Now, you'll must be wondering what lead me to this?

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know how to explain. Because if I tell you my recent events, you wouldn't be satisfied enough with my answer. Cause even I know, people go through it worse.

But that fact itself does not have the power to deny my feelings, my sorrow.
I acknowledge, and I understand people go through worse pain, they face challenges far bigger than what I faced and what I am facing at the moment.
But, the pain I am feeling now, is something I have never felt before. So I can say this is the worst I've ever felt in my life. I don't want to compare my pain with others and make it look like it has no meaning. I don't want my pain to look nonsensical just because I am not hurting more or equally than a person who is at a state worse than mine.

So let's not compare pain and happiness with others and make it less meaningful. If you have never felt so harsh, so low before and if that is wanting to make you die, THEN YOU HAVE THE FULL VALIDATION TO FEEL SO. LET NO ONE TELL YOU, LET NO ONE MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOUR THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO BE DEAD IS SHAMEFUL.

It's not shameful, you are not weak. No one who is suicidal is weak. I repeat NO ONE. You are strong, you have been fighting. But you have been fighting for too long. You are tired and you want a break. You want to smile. You want to laugh. You want to feel free. You want to live.

Yes, deep down our heart, we are yearning to live. We want to live like those kids running in the park. We want to live like the young couple kissing in the rain. We want to live like the middle-aged couple dining peacefully in the restaurant. We want to live like those old couples playing with their grandchildren. We want to be a successful child, we want to gift your parents a stress-free life, we want to come back home to a loving partner. We want to raise a beautiful kid, we want to grow old with them, we want all the good things. We want; hence, we are fighting for it. And we are failing repeatedly. we are losing the battles. Life is mocking at us.

But we are no fate or something as powerful as time. We are human. We have limitations. We are bound to feel exhausted when we have had enough.
So never feel shameful because you thought of dying. Never. No one lived your life, they just read your life. There is thin line between reading a life and living the same.

They might think your life to be easy, but if it makes you feel difficult, makes you overwhelmed, then that is what you are supposed to feel and nothing else.