LIVING to DIE

CHAP 12: REMINDER

29th May, 2022

"Can someone help me?"

I am still feeling the same. Tossing and turning in bed. Body covered in sweat. Heart beating at an abnormally fast rate. I cannot think clear. Brain is fogged with emotions, regret, pain, anger, love, and long list of unknown thoughts.

As I sit alone, at one corner of my bed, I realized these diseases are not physically visible. I wouldn't say it is impossible not to see, I would rather say most people fails to see it. Or in worse case, people do see it, but they choose not to approach you regarding it. And even if they do, they choose not to further discuss about it, cause to them, it's unnecessary set of sentiments and it's in our hands to get rid of it. So long story short, there are one in thousands who would clearly read, understand, and give you what you need rather than what you want. Sometime people with brain fog, we ourselves don't know what we want.

Am not saying I don't have people who don't approach me. I do, but they do it in a way I am not comfortable in expressing my thoughts. Because I know what follows after the discussion. And there are some who will discuss about you but not with you. You need to understand the difference between someone discussing something about you, without you and discussing something about you but with you. If it's regarding your mental health, you should be a part of the conversation. It makes me feel pathetic and helpless.

And I also have people, with whom I can gather confidence in expressing my thoughts. But it is always followed by you have everything you wanted, so what is bothering you now? You have so much to look forward too, you can't just give up!! You have to realize you are not living only for yourself, we live for others too.

I know these words does not sound unsettling to a normal person. But it does sound unsettling to people who are looking for their own worth. Who are looking for key to their peace, their happiness even if their life look blessed and normal to people unknown; So we might sound selfish, self-centred when we talk about things we are going through.

But let me tell you about myself, why I feel my thoughts shouldn't seem self-absorbed to you. Let me rewind. I talked about how I listened to my friends who struggled, I validated their feelings, I had been compared to and look down on several social gatherings, I had days when people made me feel I was all about the face and nothing else to feel proud of. People were rude, people made me insecure, people made me cry, people made me sick.

So you tell me, am I selfish to ask for reassurance? Am I selfish if all I want is someone to validate my feelings? Am I selfish, if I want someone to just listen to me, hear me cry, and say yes, I understand you? Or is it selfish to want someone to hold me and say, time is really tough now, but I am here to get it through with you, rather than have someone say you have to get better as soon as you can?

There are some who'll say, you really need to see how much they care for you.

No my dear, I don't really need to hear and see anymore, I need to feel. Like I told you in the beginning, they can try their best, yet they can't give you what you need.

So look for professional help, as early as you realize that your childhood trauma, anxiety is affecting your daily life. Sometimes, these gets masked by our busy schedule, the daily pressure, and lot of other things. Mine was masked too; I had been bottling up everything. Be there for yourself, cause trust me not all will get you the way you do.

I regret I did not recognize myself earlier and now it's agonizing.