LIVING to DIE

CHAP 3: REPLAY

9th May, 2022

Oh, you'll be fine once you start counselling.
Everyone faces this, be strong.
Stop being like this.
You are taking too much pressure unnecessarily.
This won't do. You have to be strong and patient.
You need to understand things get overwhelming for me too, so try to do things yourself.
Oh I am so sorry for you. Of course am here for you. (Sugar coated line for “I am not waiting for you”)

I did ask for help and ALSO, I BEGGED.
Yes, I am stressed, I am failing, and I am falling.

I kept racking my brain, looking for a reason to support the fact, I must have treated them wrong for being treated wrong. I exhausted myself looking for answers. I couldn't find any cause there aren't supposed to be any.

I had been a good friend, I was there for them. I helped them rise when they hit the rock bottom. I always checked up on them. I supported them, encouraged them, I have loved them. And am so proud to say that I am kind, and I don't think twice to lend my hand.

They didn't stay because they were meant to leave. It was just my thin thread of hope and effort that was holding them back. That thread broke a long time ago. My eyes was just seeing their shadows. Now it's just empty. They have walked too far away to hear my screams, to hear me beg. They have left. Not a soul to hear me out.

When I replay, I only see myself hurt. I see myself screaming in my pillows staining them with tears. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember escaping myself to bathroom, spending good few minutes in there to weep. All I remember is crying pathetically for every time someone made me feel I am not good enough to be part of the discussion.

I have a long list of the number of times I have been compared. I have a long list of the times I have been asked to see and learn from someone even though I had been pushing myself off limits.

No one asked me why I struggled with my grades. No one asked me why I wasn’t comfortable speaking publicly. No one asked why I had trouble forming sentences in English. No one asked why I wasn’t willing to learn something just because someone else is good at it. No one wanted to know why I had trouble learning something when someone of my age or younger to me was literally acing it. No one asked what I wanted. No one saw what I was good at. No one saw my insecurities. No one saw I was scared. No one saw I needed help.

So all these years, I tried to be the “good girl” for my family, for my teachers and for everyone who knew me. The girl who is very easy to handle, easy to walk over and very easy to lent out frustration on. So all I did was to “please people.” I felt guilty because I couldn’t be good at something even though I tried. Because no one ever appreciated me for my hard work, people just judged my results.

I remember, pushing myself off the edge to live up to the standards made by ungrateful people around me. I asked them Now did I make you happy? Are you proud of me? Did I finally do something so that you can talk about me to others like you do about that person? Am I doing well?

Back then, I wanted all the things they wanted. Now, I don’t want those things. I don’t even know what I want.
Didn’t you see I was struggling to be like my own sister, my cousins and like my “ideal” batchmates. I never wanted to be like them. I am SAYEEDA. This is who I am. Why am I never wanted and understood the way I want them too? I try for them,why can’t they try for me too?

I know, I know why I am sad. The reason is deeply buried in my heart. But I can’t say it aloud cause even I don’t want to say it aloud. I am scared because I am far from things I truly want. I have walked the path away from self-love. I am lost. I am hurt. I am a burden.

So, I question myself to God. I have never won anything in my life. Nothing to boast about from my childhood. I don’t have a story, where I am the main character. I was always the one who was hurt, the one who cried, the one who feared, the one who lost, the one who never gave up being kind, the one who helped, the one who loved, the one who cared and the one to be pushed away.

I am not the one who should be dealing with the punishment. What did I even do? Tell me God, your plans are better than mine. Tell me you are just playing with me. Tell me you’ll reward me for being consistently nice, because no one does.

People judge me when I tell them things that make me happy. People judge me when I tell that I can’t take it anymore. People judge me when I tell them about things that make me worry, that make me sad, that make me insecure.

All the times, I cried when I washed myself, did You hear the lines I emphasize on? I am trying my best but why are you still hurting me? Why not take me with you? Am I that bad? Please protect me. Don’t leave me alone.

I replay all the acts I did in the past. I see myself broken. So I pray to die.