12th May, 2022
As I sit here, beside the window, looking at grey skies, mirroring my emotions. I feel light, just like yesterday. It's like the skies are crying with me too. They are consoling me, telling me they empathize.
They sky is rumbling, asking for answers. Asking for explanations. Asking for reasons. Asking as to why so much pain. Unlike me, you can hear the sky scream. My scream is muted cause I know there is no one to respond. Or maybe the sky is screaming for me. I don't know. Just it's grey colour is somehow calming me.
While I sit, I think of how I fail to even hurt myself physically. Like my heart is in lot of pain but never can I bring myself cause some kind of pain. A pain that will distract me from the heavy feeling in my heart. A pain that will lessen the burdensome feeling in my heart.
A failure of physically causing myself a pain depresses me even more. I want to die but I don't know how to.
Ever since I was a little child I use to frame arguments, viloence, pain in my mind. I use to picture how my closed one's are hurting me. I used to picture how much they want me gone. And in that picture I was always crying and begging for help.
I never realized, a little 13yr old child should not be thinking this way. I never stopped myself. You know why? These scenes used to boost my serotonin. I used to cry, I was a mess but there was a light feeling in my heart. The thought of losing to everyone strangely comforted me.
So I still imagine someone killing me. Just the thought of myself dying and acting the whole scene out in my empty room, strangely calms my heart. And when I come back to my senses, realizing the fact that I have to wait for someone to kill me. Realizing , even if I want to die, I have to depend on someone. I have to depend on fate, time and all the factors of nature. The factors that have been mocking me for quite some time now.
I feel bound. I feel trapped. I can't find a way to escape. I can't find myself to be free. I can't get myself away. I can't breathe. I am not living. I am struggling. I am just surviving.
My negative thoughts are always whispering to me. They don't seem to stop. They keep chanting I want to die.
YOU ARE READING
LIVING to DIE
Non-FictionA journal 💫 💌 No one talks about the period when they hit the rock bottom. But I am here. I want my story to be a survival guideline for people who are lonely. I am lonely too. 🫂 So talk about your stories in the comments. Engage yourself. Let's...
