LIVING to DIE

CHAP 13: MESSAGE

2nd June, 2022

"It's pure as dove
Vast as the sea
Oh my love
Why can't you see?

I am lost
Under the dark blue sky
Spread my wings
Flying so high

I know not where to go
I know not where to stop
Flying ever since
Now the snows drop

Wings feel heavy
So does my heart
Mind rushing back to
Everything from the start

Thought you'd stay
Thought you'd be mine
But you walked away
Looking oh so fine"

    -@potterhead_reads

I have something to say for people struggling and for those living with them.

I remember days when I isolate myself for no apparent reason. Days when I go weeks of hibernation, days when my oral sensory nerves just simply refuses to cooperate and then there are days when everything happens all at once.

Doesn't it seem toxic when you're being comical, chatty, social but the next day you are polar opposite all because your nerve decides to shut down? No trigger, no reasons.

This is exactly why; it confuses people around me. They think am doing it deliberately. I seem toxic, rude and someone who is not grateful for all the love she receives. I am someone who should be punished for everything am doing.

What they don't see is that am equally confused. I have a constant battle going within ; I want to talk, to say something, anything, but nothing within me cooperates. What they don't see, even if their words hurt, my body refuses to react. Therefore, I seem indifferent. What they don't know, I walk aimlessly on the streets just to sit in a lonely aisle, find myself zoning out. What they don't know, my body aches warmth, it aches affection, it needs help. What they don't know, how the guilt in my subconscious mind eats me up. What they don't know, how much I want to apologise. What they don't know, their hate and annoyance eats me up, cracks my heart and makes me weak. What they don't know, I secretly pray to die.

Every time I remember these incidents, it horrifies me. Every time the phase sets in, it horrifies me. My family stayed when I did it once, they stayed when I did it twice, they stayed when I did it thrice and so on. Will they do again? Will they ever know what I am going through? Will they ever know how much it hurts me too? Or do they think it's all intentional? Or did they already set a line? if I cross it, it will be all nothing to me.

I don't blame anyone for thinking wrong or misunderstanding me. How will they know? Did I ever tell them? No.

So, for those going through the same, if you don't have the courage to speak up, maybe write a note to ask for help, ask for understanding. And those, on the other side of the line, if you ever see the same symptoms, now you know what to do. And it does not only have to be these symptoms. It can be any abnormal behavior. It can be any signs of discomfort. It isn't bad to be a bigger person in a misunderstanding. Approach, comfort and listen. Listen to what they have to say, listen to help, listen to comfort.

We are all stuck in misunderstandings. Let's not leave each other alone.

P.S. Right now, while am writing this, am just thinking of ways to survive.