+Courage

⌦ Chapter 14

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White aurora
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Assalamualaikum, hi!
How have you been? It was a really chaotic month for me. Currently, it is 3:55 a.m. when im writing this.

To be honest, Im at my lowest right now. So many thoughts are coming through this early and it hits me. It's either my period is on the way or im just susceptible.

Nobody mentioned how lonely healing can be. Staring at the blank spots on the walls thinking that this is all your fault. Thinking that maybe no one loves you, that you are not good enough. Exhausting yourself just so you can sleep peacefully. Burdening your brains with stress. Distracting yourself so that you won't have time to think about them.

Healing is tiring.
But for the sake of moving on, we all gotta face it.

There was a time, maybe all the time, I think that will I ever fall in love again after all these bad scenes that happened in my life? Will I ever feel that kind of love where there's just me and him under the rain, laughing, late night conversation, deep talks.

When? Will I ever? Can I effort that? Do I STILL deserve it?

I already let him go, so why are these memories of us lingering in my head? Why won't it go just like he did? Is it because I love him too late? Is it because of all of these unsaid words that I failed to tell him? All of this guilty?

Can I be selfish?
Please,
Please let the table turn.
Just a little bit, I want him to feel how I feel.

I pray, I pray for all the girls who cry themselves to sleep thinking that they are not good enough, not pretty enough, easy to be replaced, girls with thoughts about themselves, the one who is struggling.

Each one of you.

I pray that one day, you will find the happiness you've been looking for, the one you longing to have, the one you've been dreaming for, the one that you wish for every night with tears rolling down your cheeks and wet your pillows.

I hope you find your love.

and for him, the one I loved too late, here's the words that I can't say, there's always a spot for you deep down in this little piece of me.

I'm sorry it didn't work out and sorry for being a horrible person. Now that you are finally free, I hope you know,

There was no "us" to begin with. There is me, and then there's you.
Two people met, shared memories, and go.

One loves too early,
The other one loves too late.

Regrets,
F.