+Courage

•. ✶ Chapter 17

⤹; ⭐️|Exist

Assalamualaikum and hi!

I miss being active in here. This platform is a part of my adulting there's no way I'm leaving soon. My diploma journey is coming to an end. The people, the place, the scent, the taste of the food, all of the grass my feet touched, it's bittersweet. It's something I'll remember in my old days, but not something to brag about.

I've been confused all my life. Adulting is confusing. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck between wanting to grow up a lot faster and wanting to be a kid again. Oh to be a kid again, have nothing to worry about other than watching television as soon as I open my eyes, that one cartoon that reminds me of the morning scent of home, the carefree laugh I let out, the sparkling eyes watching the world with amusement. So innocent, so fragile, it felt real. It is real.

But we could never run from time.
Our past will always live in our memories. Somewhere deep inside us.

I think these little things are the ones that kept me going, the memories of childhood. The reason for my existence. The world still knocks me for six and never fails to give me another reason to hate it and love it. But the sparkle has dimmed day by day. Adulting took a piece of me that I never knew I had. Sometimes it feels like Deja Vu, confused about whether it already happened or it's just another one of my imagination. Maybe I sound like I'm going crazy (already did) but I wish I could disappear sometimes when life gets hard.

I keep hearing people say that once you step out of your childhood home to grow up, home will never feel the same again. To me, there is no such thing. No matter how far I go, how destroyed I am, and how harsh the hardship I endure, home will always be the place I belong. A place where I can truly rest this shattered body, a place that can put me into ataraxy. Maybe this is the reason why I rarely get sick when I'm away from home. My body knows how bad it can get when I get sick and it chooses to only be sick when I'm at a place I will get taken care of: home and I'm thankful.

From another perspective, I'll continue watching the world silently. Every puddle that splashes, every leaf that falls, every smell of Meggie cukup rasa at a late-night burger stall, every rain and thunder, every small thing that usually got ignored. I'll keep it in me. It too, is one of the reasons for my existence.

As long as you breathe the air on this earth, do something that makes you feel good without feeling any regrets. Put a song in a person, savor the feelings they give you. Make them a home, a safe place, a little corner where you can rest. Play your playlist in the rain, dance in the rain, step on the puddle bare feet, look up to the sky and enjoy the coldness of the clouds. No matter how much you grow up, how old you are, you were a kid once. You too, had a sparkle in your eyes once upon a time before it was snatched from you.

and for that, you'll find another reason to live.
and I'm thankful, for this certain thing that I adore: you.
Thank you for making it this far.
Thank you for existing although it was a harsh journey.

Your presence will never go unnoticed.
Because you exist.

The one who wishes upon the stars,
F.