+Courage

⌦ chapter 12

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Past life, lucid dream, you.
──────୧❁ཻུ۪۪⸙──────

To teenage me who i didn't love properly, the one that I keep hurting by loving the wrong people, the one that traumatised whenever she saw a "replace" words but still want to read it and keep abusing her mental, the one I gave endless pain sleepless night trying to think why isn't she good enough :

This is future you, the one right here at this very moment writing an entry at 01:27 am. Yes, time passed but nothing change. You are still in your journey of healing, I think I'm feeling better now. We continue our study, had alot of new friends, busy finishing our assignments, start standing nct but still an army, a pure one who loves yoongi of course. It's been much better now. Hopefully. You are still traumatised with the "replace" words. You let go so many people. You move on. And continue chasing your dream.

We lost contact with him now, he's happier anyway. He doesn't need us anymore. I think we are the toxic one in his life. It's always our fault, can't denied that. But that's the problem. He success, success from moving on with us. He did a good job. Not gonna lie, it shattered me a little. You know, he's our bestfriend, he was there for you, the teenage me, and he was here too, the grown up me. But no too long, of course we destroyed everything. He made a right decision by stepping out from our life.

But what about us? What about teenage  me and grown up me feels?

Well, grown up you still in the process of letting go. But still a stubborn young lady that won't open up her heart for anyone. Still rejecting people who come close, too close for her liking. To all man I had met, I still compare them to him. You know, the usual. "

"If it's him, maybe he won't say that, if it's him, maybe he won't to that, if it's him maybe he'll  say things like this or like that."

It's a habit you know. The hard one to remove. He was there in my whole teenage years, until this year where things start to go downhill. I got used to him always being there when I need him. But now he's gone and there's nothing I can do other than getting rid of this feelings.

Sure, it gets lonely most of the time.
No late night conversation, no study buddy, no laughing while typing a message, no goofy feelings.

It just, you know, disappeared.
Poof, gone.

Maybe i am serving my karma now. For not appreciating him while he's still there. Maybe it's too late now.

And that's okay.
It's totally okay.

Dear teenage me, grown up me is going to be okay. Im not gonna hurt this one. I learned my mistakes. Deep down, I regret putting you in a hard time, surrounded by people who couldn't see your efforts to make them stay, by the ugly thoughts about yourself, the stress of studying and trying to hold on for dear life.

I'll make sure to love this version of me more.

Love may hurt, love may bleed,
Love is disaster, the chaos, pathetic.
But love heals, love glued back this peaces, but only the right person can complete this mission,

This plastering-up-this-heart mission.
Cliche, but it is what it is.

Love,
F