An Angel's Tail

Chapter 10

So, Dad and I stopped at the creamery, and he bought us both two huge cones of chocolate ice cream. Then, we headed outside. There was an outdoor sitting area with a beautiful, illuminated fountain. We sat down at a table next to the fountain, and I told him everything that happened as we ate our ice cream. The look on his face was heartbreaking, yet it made me feel so safe and loved when confiding in him.

"Where was Susan when this was all taking place?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied, "probably downstairs or outside somewhere."

"Did she ever come in to check on things?"

"No. She only came in to let us know when dinner was ready and when it was time for the guys to leave."

"She didn't even see you were covered in whipped cream?"

"No. She left the room as soon as she told the guys to go home. Then, the other girls went upstairs without me."

"So, she didn't stick around to see if you were okay. She was completely oblivious to everything going on."

I nodded.

"I'm calling her in the morning to have a little chat with her," he said angrily but calmly, "and I'm calling all those kids' parents."

"Thanks, Dad," I said, tearing up again at how ready he was to defend me.

"Your mom and I will take care of–"

"Um... can... you please not tell Mom anything?" I said nervously.

"Well, Sweetie, she needs to know what happened."

"No, please."

Dad could see the fear in my eyes, and instantly became very worried. "Why not?" he asked lovingly.

I hesitated. I never told him anything Mom said or did, never told him how I was feeling, and I debated in my head if I should tell him then. I wanted to tell him, but at the same time, I was terrified. What if he didn't believe me? What if he took her side over mine? What if he didn't want me anymore? What if it blew up into a huge, nasty divorce, and Mom blamed it all on me? Or, what if Dad blamed me for the divorce? I didn't want to be the cause of anything horrible happening to either of my parents, even my Mom. Despite everything she put me through, I still loved her.

Dad could see how scared I was. He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, it's okay," he said softly. "You know you can tell me anything. Has Mom been doing things to upset you?"

"Um... I..."

"I won't be angry at you. I just need to know, so we can figure out where to go from here."

So, I spilled my guts. I told him of Mom constantly scolding me if I ever dared to show my Autism, and didn't "act like the other kids." I told him how she would berate me for carrying around my comfort items, stimming, and even crying. I also told him how she reacted every time I tried to share my music with her. I even told him about the first Show and Tell in kindergarten, and I told him that I would never let her know that I was being bullied, since I knew how she would respond. Then, when I finished, my heart began pounding in my chest. How would he respond to all this information? What was going through his mind? It felt like an eternity before he spoke, but in reality, it was only a few seconds.

"Oh, my God," he said, visibly upset, but who was he upset with? I was so scared it was me. Then, he pulled me into a big hug, trying to keep his ice cream out of my hair. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Why... why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I was too scared," I sniffled.

"Scared? Of what?"

"That you wouldn't love me anymore." As soon as I uttered those words, the floodgates opened yet again, and the tears exploded from my eyes.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because, Mom's your wife, and you love your wife, and–"

"You didn't wanna be the cause of us getting a divorce."

I didn't say anything, but my dad knew I was thinking the word "yes."

"Sweetie, listen to me. I'm gonna talk to your mom about this. I think she needs to know how much she's hurt you. We're not gonna just divorce right away. I'm gonna give her a chance to right her wrongs. I have a feeling she will, but if she doesn't, if she keeps up this behavior, we will have to get a divorce. But, I promise you it won't be your fault, and I won't blame any of it on you. It'll be all on her. If she is not willing to make amends, that is on her. I'm so sorry she made you feel this way, like you have to be ashamed of your differences. You don't, and you should never have to be afraid to be yourself, especially in your own home."

Hearing my dad say these words felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Not only did he believe and still love me, but he wanted to fix everything.

"I want you to know something else. Your mom's behavior is in no way your fault. I don't want you to think that, if you weren't born Autistic, she wouldn't be like this. Her ignorance is not your fault. She made her choice to be ignorant, and that is one hundred percent on her. I don't know why she felt inclined to try and change you in order to make you fit in with the other kids, rather than teaching you that it's okay to be different. Maybe she wanted to protect you from things like what happened tonight, but she went about it the wrong way."

"Thanks, Daddy," I sobbed.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart." He hugged me again, and patted my back. "Don't you worry. We're gonna figure this out."

The two of us finished our ice cream as we continued chatting about everything. I felt so relieved, and I was so glad I finally told my dad what was going on. I prayed that things between me and my mom would finally get better, because I desperately wanted a relationship with her. I just wanted her to accept and love me the way I was.