School, Prejudice and Survival

Chapter 8, Part 1

Chapter 8: Wait...

The seconds feel like minutes, then the minutes feel like hours. And all I can think about is the fact that this is my first kiss. I just never expected to kiss anyone at my age, let alone a girl! 

 Trapped inside my own head, all I can do is think up questions that I may never know the answer to. Questions like:

 Is anyone watching? 

 Is Naomi gay? 

 Should I pull away? 

 And the biggest question of all: 

 Do I want to pull away?

I need help. Someone needs to tell me what I should do, right now! Naomi seems to know exactly what she is doing, but has she noticed that I have no idea?

After what felt like hours (but I'm fairly sure was only seconds), Naomi lifts her head away from mine and stares into my eyes. However much I want to look away and forget this ever happened, I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to hurt her; she is one of my favourite people in the world. So I just stare, wondering which of her amazing brown eyes I should be looking into. Left or right? Or does it not matter?

 Her long, black lashes flutter and she looks down at the ice. She doesn't exactly look sad. However, she does look as confused as feel. Oh hell, I just want to hug her. To tell her that I'm not mad, to tell her that I am here for her if she ever needs to talk. Because at this point, I believe she is discovering something new about herself. She isn't as straight as she had thought. 

No matter what I tell myself, I can't bring myself to look her in the eye.

I take her hand and begin to lead her off the ice. Nobody speaks. We just silently take off our skates and replace them with normal shoes.

 "Do you have someway of getting home?" I ask her, looking up from my shoes and back into her eyes. Eyes that are swimming in unfallen tears. Why does that image look so familiar? 

 "Yeah." She says in a voice barely audible. Nodding gently and smiling at her, I turn away and exit the rink.

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Why the hell is this ceiling so boring?

Scarlett looks up from her laptop for the millionth time, looks over to me, then looks back. Neither of us have spoken all morning, despite me having woken her up before dawn screaming. When she saw the state I was in last night once I got off the bus, she went immediately into mothering mode. It wasn't long before she realized that I was keeping the secret, at least for a little while longer. I tear my eyes away from nothingness and glance at the watch beside my pillow. 8:07am. God damn it, I should probably start being productive now. 

With an angry sigh, I heave myself up from my makeshift bed and grab my nearing-empty bottle of dry shampoo. After putting my hair up into a reasonably-good looking bun, I get dressed and head to the door of our attic room. 

 "Good luck." Scarlett says, and I can tell in the silence that follows that she is staring at my back. So I slam the door behind me. Then I wash my face and clean my teeth, before heading down to the bus stop with my skate-bag.

I instantly feel guilty the minute I get on the 8:45am bus. Scarlett has done nothing but good things, and I feel awful that I have been passively-aggressively taking my anger out on her. I'll make it up to her tonight; I'll go shopping with her later to look for birthday things. Five days to go now, and I have absolutely no idea of what to get her. 

 The bus is fairly empty, just a few people who are obviously annoyed to be working weekends, and a few old ladies with small handbags. Nothing interesting, so I unlock my phone and scroll through some old messages. I don't text Matt like I usually do, I doubt he can leave the house right now. Which sucks.

The bus eventually rattles to a stop, and I get out and make my way into the building. I glance over to where I left Naomi last night, and immediately look away. Poor girl, she must be so confused right now.

 Clinks of metal surround me, and I look towards the ice where two girls (clearly high level) are training. One of them is practising her lutz jump, and the other is talking to her coach. Both wearing performance outfits, so I'm guessing they are practising for a competition. I sit on the same blue bench as always and put on my skates. My eyes keep straying to where Naomi kissed me last night, and I have to look up at the ceiling to stop myself from crying.

I barely pay attention throughout the entire test, and by the time my coach is giving me my certificate for a pass, I don't care anymore. I'm hungry, sad, confused and lonely. At least I have some time to eat now before my friends arrive. I sit in the small cafe in the corner and eat a plate of chips slowly. I sip on a cappuccino to help bring myself to my senses. But then, about five minutes before my friends are supposed to be here, I feel an unusual presence to my right. 

"Hey. Are you ok?" The seventeen year old-looking guy in my level asks me, sitting on the stool next to me. 

 "Oh, hi. Yeah, just tired." I reply with a smile. For the first time, I really look at this guy. He has brown hair that falls in a side fringe across the left half of his head. His eyes are green, similar to mine but darker. Definitely good looking, but I don't see why Annie likes him so much. 

 "You know, we have been in the same levels for just under a year and I never got your name. I'm Josh." He says with a smile, holding out his hand.

 "Indigo." I smile, taking his hand and shaking it. "How old are you?" 

 "I'm seventeen next month. You?" 

 "Sixteen in a few days, actually. Are you doing the next level?" 

 "Yeah, I hope to see you there. I think we could be good friends, maybe even do doubles?" He asks with a cute smile. 

 "We'll see Josh." I laugh. I like this guy, he has a sense of humour.

I talk with Josh for a bit longer, before he has to leave. We say goodbye and I watch him walk out the door. As he leaves, I see him stare at a familiar blond head. Matt. Tossing my cup and plate in the nearby bin, I rush over to my friend. I need to ask him something, right now. 

 "Matt! I didn't think you could come, but we will talk about that in a second. I need to ask you something." I shout when I am reasonably close. 

 "Okay..." He says with a weary smile. Taking a deep breath, I get the question out of my mouth.

 "How did you know you were gay?"