School, Prejudice and Survival

Chapter 9, Part 1

Chapter 9: The Truth

Silence. 

"...Are you sure?" Matt whispers, looking over at where I am sat, staring down at my hands. 

"Yes. No. I... I don't know..." I hate myself for being so weak, yet as the words trail off a tear escapes the captivity of my right eye. 

 "Oh Indie. Come on, you're okay! We just need to think over this a little bit." Matt says quietly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders protectively. Okay. This is a safe space, and I am with my best friend. Not only that, someone who has been through the same thing I may be currently going through.

Matt may think I am just quietly calming myself down from where I am gently sobbing, however I am actually letting the gears in my head work on overdrive. I haven't thought this through enough to be sure.

Back to the beginning. 

 When I was around eleven years old, the girls around me started to become what I now know is referred to as 'boy-crazy'. Scarlett became obsessed with some long-forgotten boy band; Carly started dating a popular kid in our year; the majority of the girls I knew started wearing makeup (albeit, rather badly). I guess I assumed it was a phase that never struck me. Does that mean I'm not interested in boys? 

That could mean anything. Back to the drawing board. Maybe I need to hit a little closer to home. 

Yesterday- when Naomi kissed me- I didn't pull away. Supposedly I was too shocked to, yet this stirs up some other things I may need to focus on. Like Josh. He was totally flirting with me this morning; my butterfly brain just didn't realize it fast enough. 

Annie really likes Josh, she says he is cute and always try to look her best around him. Why am I not bothered by his apparent good looks? Wait. Lets back up for a second. All the girls I know like to look their best when in the presence of any guys, especially the ones they have feelings for. Now that I think about it, I never care what I look like around guys. I only ever care what I look like around Naomi. Damn this girl, what is she doing to me?

Naomi is perfect in my eyes, meaning I need to make an effort with my appearance to be worthy next to her. Is that just because I can be self-conscious, or something deeper? Thinking about Naomi makes me happy, and being around her always makes my day. I watch her in class all the time. I get upset when she doesn't respond to my texts. It's as if I need her. 

 The other day when I watched her walking with Liam I was jealous. No use in denying it. Was that because of Liam, or Naomi herself? Am I interested in Liam? I guess not. Thinking of him feels the same as when I think of Scarlett. Thinking about Naomi...

Oh hell...

"I'm in love with Naomi." I whisper, almost unaware of Matt's presence. 

 "Are you..." 

 "YES! YES I am SURE!" I twist where I am sitting to face him, and see the shock on his face. That's when the tears started to fall. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life..." 

 "Okay..." Matt draws in a long breath. "Have you considered the possibility of being bisexual?" 

 "I doubt it. Maybe Naomi is though, that would make more sense considering her dating history." 

"You think Naomi likes girls? Indie... life isn't always that fair." Matt says sadly. 

 "No no no. Life is never usually that fair. At least this time fate was on my side. Naomi kissed me last night." 

 "Really? That's great! Indigo, I am so happy for you! You two are perfect together." Matt's excitement is a little premature. Yes, I may be in love with the girl who kissed me, but up until yesterday I had no idea that I was a lesbian. I need to come to terms with that before rushing into anything. 

 "It's not as simple as all that. I need time before I can do anything, plus we both need to come out of the closet before we can start a relationship. She may not even be interested in me! It could have been a whim!" The reality of this scares me. 

"Then there's the fact that our school is full of people who...who..." My rant trails off there as I look at Matt's broken arm. Matt looks down at his arm, then back up again with a face full of realization. "Oh..." Is all he says.

Unfortunately for us, we are in a school full of people who don't agree with anything considered 'not normal'. Which is horrible for me, considering my life motto is 'Normal is Boring'. Even if I was prepared to go through what Matt has to for the sake of being who we are, Naomi sure as hell won't be. Poor girl, I can't believe I just left her last night. 

 "I need to call Naomi." I decide. "I left her at the ice rink last night, she must be going through hell right now." 

 "Wait, wait, wait. After she kissed you, you just left? Indigo...!" 

 "Shh!" I cover Matt's mouth with my hand as my phone rings in my ear. 

 "Hey, you've reached Naomi. If you are hearing this, I'm probably asleep. Or ignoring you, but I doubt I would do that unless you did something stupid! I'll call you back, I promise." 

God damn it. I bet she won't call me back. I remove my hand from Matt's mouth (mainly because he started to lick me) and drop my phone. 

 Silence. Again. 

 Matt reaches for his own phone and puts his music playlist on shuffle to fill the air with something other than tension and despair. 

 "Indigo, when I came out to you, you made me feel as though nothing had changed. In this instance things have changed, but in ten years time you will realize that they had changed for the better! You are who you are, and no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. You're my favourite person in the world and that will never change." Matt wraps his arms around me in a tight hug again, which I return the pressure of. 

 "I love you too Matthew." I whisper, before letting go and sitting back on his bed.

Tomorrow, I am just going to get everything over with. I will confess my being gay to Scarlett and I will do everything in my power to talk to Naomi. Even is Naomi is too scared to come out, or she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, that won't stop me. I am who I am, and I am willing to suffer for it. These next few weeks will be awful, but one day everything will get better. I am not alone.

"I was born sick, you heard them say it." States the music on Matt's phone.

Couldn't have said it better myself.