School, Prejudice and Survival

Chapter 8, Part 2

"Oh. That's a heavy question." He says, clearly confused. I don't speak as we walk over to the skate hire window, and once Matt is sitting and strapping his skates on, he begins to speak. 

 "I guess it started when I watched this TV show, and one of the secondary guy characters discovered that he was gay. It really got me thinking, and the next day in a maths lesson it hit me. Girls didn't interest me in the slightest." A shadow falls across his face. 

 "Was it difficult?" I ask, once again feeling guilty for ditching Naomi last night. 

"Hell yeah. The minute that lesson ended, I ran to the toilets and threw up. How can anyone go so long without knowing something that important about themselves?" His laugh is bitter and sounds self mocking. 

 "When did you begin to accept it?" 

 "About three weeks after I discovered my sexuality. I was crying, and then I just thought: 'Why am I crying? This is who I am, and I should accept it and love it.' Not only was I unable to change myself, I didn't want to!" My friend smiles a genuine smile as he finishes his sentence, and I lean forwards to pull him in for a hug. My phone buzzes as we stand up, and I unlock it without looking. The shock I feel when I see who it is from makes me gasp.

 Naomi: I'm so sorry.

I once read that emotional trauma can physically damage your heart, so when people talk about heartbreak it is either just an expression or a severe problem. And I feel as though my heart is being crushed by a cruel hand. Naomi has done nothing wrong, yet she still somehow feels the need to apologize... That's really distressing. I never wanted to hurt her, or see her hurt by anything else. She means a lot to me and it kills me whenever she is sad. I know now that the way I feel about the beautiful brunette with the happy smile isn't entirely platonic.

 Me: You have nothing to apologize for. I'll see you Monday xxx

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Matt and I spend more time singing or talking than actually skating (especially because of his still-healing arm), and eventually we just decide that we should go somewhere quiet and relax. This is a pretty good plan in my opinion. 

 "My house is empty right now, if we go there then we can watch Youtube vids!" Matt exclaims excitedly. 

"Sounds good!" I laugh back. Leaving the rink, I sneak a glance at my phone to see if Naomi texted back, despite knowing that she hasn't. On the bus back to his house, me and Matt manage to get ourselves into an argument over the story line of a horror movie and it makes time go so much faster, something I realize when we reach the stop on Laurel Avenue. 

We clamber off the bus, still caught up in our mock-argument, and make our way round the corner to his house. It feels strange entering my friends house though the front door, since I usually have to do some really discreet ninja stuff to avoid being caught and as cool as it sounds, it gets old quickly. Matt unlocks the door and shuts it behind him once we are both inside. 

 "Are you sure we're alone?" I whisper as I follow him upstairs. 

 "PRETTY SURE!" He yells, making me jump and then laugh. 

 "You don't have to be a dick about it!" I shout flicking him on the back of his neck.

Once we are inside Matt's room, he grabs his laptop and throws it onto his bed. He sits on the side closest to the window and begins to turn his laptop on and get some cool Youtube videos up as I kick off my shoes and settle on the bed next to him. He settles on Jenna Marbles (a favourite we share) and places the laptop in between us. Being here with Matt is always easy. The majority of the time we are here, we either sit in silence watching TV or youtube, take random pictures, take strange online quizzes or just talk. And it is always the highlight of my life. Glancing around Matt's room, my mind wanders back to Naomi, and how she must be feeling right now. Probably a lot like Matt did all those months ago. I still remember when he came out to me, on that very sofa.

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It was the middle of Christmas break, only a few days into the new year, and I was sitting watching TV with Matt in his room. We had been hanging out in his room all day, taking multiple quizzes online over whether we would survive a zombie apocalypse (I would survive seven years and die of starvation, Matt would survive two years before heroically sacrificing himself for a friend). 

 We were in the middle of a kind of boring horror movie, before Matt suddenly hit mute and dropped the remote. 

"Indie, can I talk to you about something?" He asked me, never looking up from his hands. 

"Always. What's up?" I said. Something about the intense atmosphere worried me. 

 "I haven't told anyone yet. And I know I really need to. So I'm just going to come right out with it." There was then a pause. "I'm gay." Right as he said this, a monster in the now silent movie jumped out of a closet. I remember this, because it seemed pretty fitting with the situation. 

I was shocked when he said this. This was not what I expected at all, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. 

"Wow. Honestly, I'm not as surprised as I feel I should be." I replied with a smile. 

"Shut up!" He laughed, hitting me with a cushion. 

"Sorry. Matt, I'm so glad you told me!" 

"You're not disgusted? Or angry?" He asked me, looking puzzled. 

"Of course not! Matt, you could have told me that you murdered a bunch of people, or you were a cannibal. And I would still love you. You're my best friend." I stated, pulling him in for a hug. "Well, maybe not so much if you were a cannibal." I added. "Besides, it isn't a bad thing!"

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I know that Matt telling me he was gay was a huge weight off his shoulders. That's why I need to stop ignoring the small feeling of realization somewhere deep inside my mind. I need to confront it right now. 

"Hey Matt?" I say. Matt makes a small 'hmmm?' sound, and I come right out with it, just as he did. 

 "I think I'm a lesbian."