DOOM SAGA I - I'll be home tomorrow

Day 216

Argent d'Nur

She stood motionless while she stared mindlessly at the running water. Its heat began filling the room and invited her already. They hadn't spoken a word since yesterday morning, and all she could remember was the landscape as they'd trekked back to the city, and the Slayer throwing himself on the bed beside her when they'd arrived after nightfall.
He was still tired, she could clearly see it, but she knew it wasn't from the hike itself. Even while he had carried her he had gone on weeping, and she'd not known what else to do than to snuggle into the crook of his neck. It was her favourite spot. His strong and steady pulse tickled her nose every time. The quiet hours in the wild had left her with enough time to think, and as the night had embraced them but she hadn't been tired anymore, she had taken the moment to make a decision.
Now, she was standing on the edge of the Roman bath that was so nicely built into the floor, slowly filling with steaming water, and probably bigger than her room back home.
It was scary. Would she be able to do it as imagined? Would he despise her? Would he even let her speak? Would her fear let her?
A shiver ran down her spine and she flinched at a noise behind. He had brought more clean towels and eyed her with a raised brow. She fidgeted nervously as she didn't know how to start, and when he came closer she couldn't look him in the eyes. She closed the gap with some shy steps and tugged on his shirt. After a moment he obeyed and took it off but not without her blushing. But no, it wasn't because he was half-naked in front of her nose. She had seen him many times, touched him, cuddled him; the thought made her giggle. Curiously, he bent over her, bringing her back into reality harshly.
Her smile vanished when she realized how anxious she suddenly was; she had blushed because she feared the shame that might roll over her in just a minute. As his hand grabbed the seam of his pants she stopped him and held them for a second. She untucked the towel around her and pulled on him, leading him to the bath. If he could only know how naked she felt as they stepped down into it, the Slayer behind her not making a sound. She led him to the middle, where the water came just above his hips, for her much higher. She left a little distance between them, just enough so she could hold onto his hands comfortably. She had to take a few deep inhales to calm her shaking body, her heart drumming loudly in her head.
This was it. She would tell him. Ask him. Eye to eye. He didn't look away. He waited.
She bit her lip and did a suffocated yelp as the words got stuck in her throat, but she felt his thumbs lightly brush her backhand. She wasn't able to open her eyes right now.
"I-I..."
She gasped for a breath, tearing up before she had even begun.
"The way I was born... was... different... It shouldn't matter. It does not much for me... But it did to everybody else... I knew from a very young age, but had never thought it would change so much... make me so... alien...", she stammered but was already getting more comfortable. Her eyes, half-opened, stared at a random point in front of her. She swallowed.
"Everybody thinks I'm a loud extrovert, that it is easy for me to make friends. To be around others, strangers... but it's the opposite. I never really felt something for them. Not since-- ...
I had to change school not once but three times. So we moved around a lot, all over the country. Even in Kindergarten, they wouldn't leave my dad alone...!
I learned they would hate me, think I'm a freak whenever they found out about... me... I got used to being by myself, used to shallow friendships that didn't mean anything a year or two later... I played a role when I was around them. Acted normal.
Of course, it was fun to do shit together, but I never could tell them about my feelings or my family. Me and dad, we got really good at hiding, though his family didn't make it easy. They despised the one who bore me... my mother... and me as well. They wanted me gone...! They even said... they would not give him... ehm... to... to inherit? I don't know what it's called... ehm..."
She took a break to breathe and think, and she felt embarrassed that she couldn't say everything as it was on her mind. He still didn't make a sound.
"For so many years it was only me and Papa... I never got to meet my mum... but somehow I found a friend a few years ago. A real friend. He knew about me, and instead of leaving he came up to me and asked... I told him everything... truly everything...! He didn't leave.", her voice broke at the memory.
"He is dead.", she whimpered with quivering lips.
"He died because of me... because he couldn't let me go when I had to change school again. It happened just a few days after my 17th birthday... he was the only friend I ever had...!", she squeaked and let go of one hand to wipe her eyes, and the Slayer took a step forward.
"No!", she stopped him.
Beyond her flushed cheeks and red eyes gleamed a broken smile.
"It's okay... I'm okay..."
A low rumble came from his chest as he stood still again.
"Everything is... chaos. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. My mind just can't understand that it's a different planet?! And not only that but a different time as well...?"
She stopped and sighed. She looked more hushed than before.
"I lost something, a piece of myself, when I was brought here. I don't know if I will ever get it back or fill it with something new, if it will heal itself or stay sore forever...
But I know I can't go on by myself. I have nothing to believe in, nothing to look forward to, nothing that would keep me from going insane! I don't know why I'm here. I don't know if it is real after all.
I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry that I treated you like you were one of them. I'm sorry that I wasn't honest... I thought you would leave me alone and then I would never find a way home! But I want to try to be who I am, even if you'll hate me. Even if I'm disgusting and fucked up and cold-hearted and angry...! Because I am...
I wanted to ask you to be my friend. But I realized that what I need is far more than that. Maybe more than I can ask of you... but...
Be my God!"

As she looked up at him her eyes begged him. He had been still while she had nearly drowned in her words, but now, he was frozen in place. As soon as she noticed he babbled on quickly.
"I know you don't like being called that, you told me enough times, but I feel like I'm falling apart and you are the only--"
"I will."
"-- one that ever made me feel like him and..."
Her agitation made her eyes twitch aimlessly as she processed. She looked up again.
"I will.", he repeated. Stepping gradually closer he bowed down some more and carefully laid his hand around her waist to pull her in, his other holding her wrist.
"Under one condition.", he quietly said as he gazed at her wide eyes.
"Allow me to serve you."
His face crept nearer and she wavered pressing her eyes shut, the little droplets that were constantly forming on her fine hairs from the steam skidded down her heated skin. His brows narrowed for a moment as he saw the red of her cheeks deepen. Gently he pushed her backwards, and after stumbling step by step to the edge of the bath he scooped his arm under her thighs and sat her on the rim, while he himself knelt on the underwater terrace in front of her. Like this, they were on eye level, and he took a moment to explore her expression.
Blue doe eyes stared at him in confusion, and he loosely laid his arms down to each side of her, much aware that she was bare naked throughout all of this.
"I want to serve you."
He laid his forehead onto her knees while his hands barely touched her lower back.
"Let me be whatever you need, your sword and your shield, the voice of your heart and the hands of your compassion. I will be your sinner, so you must not be it. Give me something to fight for, and humble me if I shall strike on innocent."
He raised his head and his stern eyes looked deep into her.
"Never let me become like him!"
She blinked knowingly, yet her lip quivered reticent.
"I'm not what you think I am...", she said avoiding his gaze.
"I'm not good. I'm not... innocent.", she mumbled and before he could say otherwise she cowered down.
"I have hurt people... and they weren't evil, or demons, or whatever. They were my classmates... children... stupid noisy children that believed in what their parents told them about me...! But I have hurt them badly!"
He did not stop her. She wanted to tell it. It wouldn't change anything.
"And I can feel it again. It's getting stronger, and it's poisoning me bit by bit. I don't want to hurt them! But... they make me so angry. Everything is making me angry. I can't keep it down forever, I'm just not strong enough! I'm not like you... I'm not like Valis... or my dad... You are good people. I'm not meant to...", her voice got quieter until she stopped. She huddled tightly, covering her chest and hiding her face in her knees. Her shoulders shivered.
"I will never be like her..."
"Io. Don't say things like these, you might believe it one day...", he said and chuckled softly to lift her mood.
"If anything happens I will stop you, I promise. But you are good. You are kind and selfless, and you never let anything stop you from helping others! And you are allowed to be angry. There is nothing wrong with it. Just not let it take control of you, you hear me?"
He paused but she did not utter anything. He reached for her shoulder but she recoiled at his touch, and he could see how uncomfortable she'd become. She squirmed timidly, her face flushed but not with heat. He grabbed one of the towels that lay behind her and carefully wrapped it around her. As he did, she grabbed it without hesitation and pulled it even tighter.
"Why didn't you say something?", he asked gently. She couldn't even raise her gaze as she was too embarrassed, and he sighed.
"Hey... if you don't want me to see you like that, you can tell me."
His fingers fidgeted. He wanted to caress her, but he drew back to give her a little more space.
"But... you saw me already...", she stammered breathlessly.
"And you touched me..."
"No. No, that's no reason, Io.", he whispered and felt a fit of old bitterness reawaken.
"This is no reason for anyone to see you naked, and certainly none to touch you! I don't know who told you such lies, yet I know there is much out there that teaches young women like you are to be owned by someone, but you are not anyone's toy!"
He needed to swallow to push some of that fire down again.
"Nobody out there has any right over your body. Not any one of them, not your parents or siblings, not your friends, or a lover, a husband, no physician, no king or priest, no God, and not me either. You are the only one to choose. Just because somebody saw you naked doesn't strip you of your rights to privacy! Even if you had sex with someone, it wouldn't give them allowance to force you to, am I wrong? If that would be the public logic, everybody must be walking around naked, because if you see someone unclothed once then it wouldn't be embarrassing, or private or anything anymore. Nobody would hide from others by wearing clothes! But they do. And I would never want you to think...", he had a lump in his throat as he thought about all those young things putting themselves into situations that would haunt them for the rest of their lives, just because someone told them it was expected, that it was what couples do, and the biggest lie of them all -- to fulfil marital duties. He ground his teeth as feather-like fingertips met his cheek. He had to blink away the wet just to see more of it in the corner of her eyes.
"You don't owe me anything...", he whispered before bowing his head deeper into her palm.
"But I want it...", she disagreed. He straightened his back and cocked his head.
"I want to... touch you..."
She quickly turned her head away as she blushed. He couldn't help but do like her.
"It feels good, your skin... on my skin. It makes me feel warm, not just outside. I feel like I missed that for months, and it made me sick."
His knuckle brushed along her jawline.
"That's normal. We are alive. And when we can't have closeness to anybody, we break, our body gets sick, and maybe we even die, because we are lonely. But I won't let that happen. I'll give to you whatever you need, that's what I pledge."
She held his gaze though it took some effort.
"How did you do it? How did you not... break?"
An amused smile crept onto his lips.
"Well, I wasn't alive..."
The answer was not what she'd expected, and she took a few moments to think about his previous request. She was beginning to feel tired as all earlier anxiety and tension were washed away.
"I don't know how to do that... and... and... I don't know what you expect from me... and..."
"Me neither. Let's figure that out together, okay?"
She bit her lip and nodded timidly.
"O-Okay."

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NOTE

I'll be going into a little summer break. My wedding and honeymoon are coming up, so I'm very busy! I'll still be writing and editing finally, so the first Saturday of September will be the next chapter! Maybe earlier ;)

Give a little <3 to let me know if you'll be waiting for it!