The Best of Her

Chapter Forty two

Mavis.

"I knew you were a heartless bitch, but not like this,"

Rolling my eyes, I turn off the iPad. There goes my virtual shopping night. I was rather surprised to hear Axel's voice when I picked up the phone, I told myself that after two weeks they would forget I even exist. "Calling to say I told you so?"

"No. I'm not that childish, and I would say that to him not you." even the small reference to him, hurts my heart. This past month hadn't been joyous to me either, but that's not what his friends are thinking. They must think I broke their homie's heart and I'm doing body shots on a new dude. So I'm ready to hear the insults by now, ready to hear the I told you not to hurt him, and I'm ready to take it because I deserve some of it. "What do you want Axel?"

"For you to fix the mess you did," he replied. Hard and blunt.

"Believe it or not, I did both of us a favor." I have to fix myself first before I could fix anyone else. And I'm trying, I've been seeing a therapist. Yes, shocker. After what went down with June, I couldn't control anything anymore. I was lost, I'm still lost but it was worst. I kept telling myself it was the right choice because the fact I couldn't control my anger scared me, I was terrified of ever doing something to him. And every time I thought of it, I had a complete meltdown. Shaking and hysterical crying kind of meltdowns.

When my mom suggested trying therapy again, I was ready for it. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be able to control my feelings. It helps, somehow. Sometimes I find some of the questions dumb and repetitive, but I go through with it. I need to get better to offer him a proper apology. I own him at least that.

I also joined a group therapy for autistic adults, and I kind of like it. Hearing and relating to some of their stories makes me feel less alone, and I like that. Lonely is a feeling I got too used to, having June reminded me how warm surrounding yourself with people could be.

"No, you did not do him any favor, Mavis. In the years I've known June, he never consumed as much alcohol as he is doing now. He is completely out of control, and it's your fault." his voice took an emotional edge, something I could point out because it slightly cracked by the end. "He is-" he cut himself off and took a deep breath, "He wants to be loved and chosen, without having to put effort into it. That's what he said when I told him to stop drinking,"

The words of his ex-girlfriend rewind into my mind, "did you know how damaging his father leaving was to him?" He wants to be chosen. he wants to be loved. He thinks that if he doesn't try to be his best all the time, no one will stay with him or love him. Everything makes sense now. "Sometimes I'm angry that I'm not good enough,"

"I feel like I've to do my best in everything,"

"Isn't that exhausting?"

"Sometimes,"

what he meant were most times. He is tired of pretending, and I'm the cause of that. He thinks I proved his point, that he isn't enough. That I left him because he didn't try hard enough, wasn't perfect enough. I left him just like his father did. I can't imagine how much he overthought this, I can't imagine how many times he broke his own heart because he thought he was unlovable if he didn't try hard enough.

Silly, stupid, foolish me. I have been stuck once again in my bubble, thinking I'm the only one with problems and didn't think about him. I thought if I hurt him now, it would hurt him less. What a dumb fucking bitch I am. "Where is he?"

"I will send you the address,"

I don't bother changing, I just grab a jacket and my car keys before going out. It felt strange driving again, I got used to June driving me around, and I like it better. But I'm also glad my dad gave me back my car, it's needed in situations like this.