ZoSan: The Flower

Chapter 48 - Sanji*

Zoro had been avoiding him for SIX. DAYS. Well, except for a single note left on Sanji's pillow one evening that added more reasons that Sanji needed to talk to him. But everytime Sanji tried to get the mosshead alone, Zoro found a reason to not be there. He only came to dinner. Even then, he usually sat as far from Sanji as he could and ate quickly before leaving. The other meals someone always volunteered to take to him. He never popped into the kitchen to get sake anymore. The daily 'hour' that they'd agreed on had stopped. Zoro wasn't even sleeping in the dorm anymore, preferring to sleep on deck or in the crow's nest.

In a way, it had been a good thing that Zoro was avoiding him, he guessed. It had given him time to sort through the emotions Zoro's original question had dredged up. Given him time to do some soul-searching. He'd definitely overreacted and put words in Zoro's mouth that Zoro hadn't said.

And that stupid letter, so sweet and sad, so final-sounding... it had hit him hard. The way his name had been scratched out at the top and replaced with 'Cook', like Zoro didn't think he could call him by name anymore. The 'thank you for everything'. The repeated apologies. Sanji hated that letter. Hated what it did to his heart. Hated that Zoro had ever even felt the need to write it.

Sanji's life, his heart, had become a little lonely again, and he had had enough. If the only reason he was lonely was his own damn pride and foolishness, then he was going to damn those characteristics straight to hell. It was time to talk. Time to apologize and to do it properly — and pray Zoro would hear him out. Which was why he found himself heading to the deck, late at night, with a tray of sea-monster onigiri and three bottles of sake. It was a nice night, so the deck was the most likely place for Zoro to be, but Sanji would search the ship for him if he needed to.

At least the Heart Pirates had finally disconnected and headed out on their own journey. Sanji was pretty sure Zoro had hid out on their ship for a day or two after leaving the letter, because Sanji had searched the Sunny high and low and had never found him. But he knew that Zoro was on this ship now, and he wasn't going to let him run anymore.

Sure enough, Zoro was stretched out on the grassy deck, using his own arm as a pillow. Sanji sat next to him, placing the tray between them, and claiming one of the sake bottles as his own. After taking a swig to steady his nerves he started. "I know you're not actually asleep, Zoro. I can always tell. If you don't want to talk to me, then just... listen, please."

Zoro gave no answer, not even giving up his pretense of sleep.

Sanji pulled the note he'd found four days ago on his pillow from his jacket pocket. It was a little worse for wear now, having been read and re-read so many times. He opened it again now, trying to find the words to say.

"This... apology... was sweet, but you shouldn't have been the one to apologize. I should be. I got scared and insecure and lashed out at you. I said horrible things. I didn't mean it, not a word of it, but that doesn't fix it, does it?" The question was rhetorical, which was good because Zoro still said nothing. Sanji took another drink, feeling the burn in his throat.

"The fact is, I was wrong. You have given so much to 'us'. Your time. Your strength. Your patience. You poured so much love into our attempt at a relationship. And I had no right to say anything that I said that day, because it wasn't true. Because you've really asked so little of me in return. I've given so little in return.... I haven't even been able to give you enough reason to trust me. And I'm sorry."

And suddenly, a hand was reaching for the tray of onigiri and that gray eye was fixed on Sanji's face warily as he ate it. It was enough of a reaction for Sanji to gain just a little steam.

"You... asked, that day, if I would've preferred a woman. The answer I, I should've given you, should've been brave enough to give you, would go something more like:" Sanji had to take a deep breath and another drink of sake for this part. "Absolutely not. I still don't consider myself gay, and I do find women attractive, but it's nothing compared to what I've come to feel for you, Zoro. And so you don't have to ask, I've never found any other guy as attractive as I find you, either."