ZoSan: The Flower

Chapter 26 - Sanji

It had taken three attempts to get the rice the right consistency, and to say that Sanji was frustrated with himself was an understatement. He hadn't had this much trouble with something as simple as onigiri since he was twelve! The first attempt he'd been so distracted thinking of that kiss that the rice had burned nearly to black. As much as he hated to waste food, he'd had to throw that batch away. The second batch had gotten a little too mushy. Sanji's best guess was that he mismeasured the water like an idiot. It wasn't ideal and Zeff would've laughed at him for days if he knew, but it would taste fine. He could use it and just make sure it was closest to Luffy, who probably wouldn't notice the texture with the way he inhaled food.

For the third attempt, he decided to go back to basics and break out the measuring cups and timer that he rarely used anymore. He felt like a kid, and not even a particularly smart one, but it was enough to make sure the rice was perfect. He began forming the onigiri as quickly as he could, packing the flavored centers carefully. Tray after tray was filled and lined up on the counter when his mind finally seemed to catch up with the day. He stopped and leaned against the counter.

Zoro had cleaned his kitchen. He'd held Zoro's hand. Kissed him — ASKED to kiss him. Set rules and then went too fast himself. Now he was cooking the swordsman's favorite meal, like it was the most normal thing in the world. This entire unnameable thing between them had gone so fast. Some moments — mostly when Zoro was around looking at him like he made the sun shine — Sanji was more okay with that than he really felt he should be. But right now... right now, alone with his thoughts, it was too much change too fast.

They'd been rivals, at each other's throats for years.

Ok, so Zoro might have been in love with him part or all of that time, but most of Sanji's thoughts of Zoro during their two-year training period had been along the lines of 'Wait 'til that idiot sees this,' coupled with a constant desire to improve enough to kick his ass. There may have been a few times where he thought of the other with fondness, but it was when he was thinking of the whole crew with fondness and nostalgia and concern.

And this damned attraction! Where did it even come from? He hadn't been lying when he'd said he'd been jealous of Zoro's looks or that he liked his hands. But he'd chalked it up to Zoro being so physically different from him. So how had he gone from 'it must be nice to have strong hands like that' to 'I want to hold those strong hands'? He'd never thought about kissing Zoro or any other man, no matter how attractive, until recently. And at one point the thought would have genuinely disgusted him. Probably. Now he not only had kissed a man and enjoyed it, but had even wondered, however briefly, what it might be like to go further.

Sanji forced his body to move, reminding himself again of his duty as ship's cook. He gathered and prepared a few side dishes to go with the onigiri. I have to get it together. I have to find a slower pace, whatever that looks like. Otherwise I'm afraid that this is going to shake me apart. I need... I need an outside opinion.

He wished he could reach Zeff, honestly. The old geezer was rough and violent, but he was good at helping Sanji get his head back on straight. And surprisingly good with advice. Sanji couldn't help but wonder what the old man would think about his lady-loving 'son' in what might be termed a 'relationship' with a guy. But Zeff may as well have been eons away. Not even the best transponder snail could reach the Baratie from here, even if Sanji did remember the number. And reaching out might establish a connection between the Baratie and a pirate group, which could get the chefs in trouble with the Marines. He'd need to look somewhere closer.

Robin-chan had offered. And while her sense of humor might be a little off, she was wise and steady and could keep secrets if needed. If Sanji was going to talk to her, he needed to do it before his time with Zoro, since he'd need to get his head on straight.

Actually, he'd noticed something earlier, after he'd burned the first batch of rice. He turned to the corner where he remembered it, and saw a blue eye. Unsurprised, he smiled weakly at his spying shipmate, then tapped his ear. A second later, an ear appeared next to the eye. "Can I still take you up on your offer to talk?" He asked quietly. The eye blinked, then both parts disappeared.

Robin walked in the door about two minutes later, and she sat at the counter. "Sorry to spy. I smelled something burning and originally wanted to just check on you. You seemed distracted, so I... stuck around in case you needed help in here." It was something she did occasionally, just checking in with eyes around the ship. It had taken Sanji a while to get used to it, if he was honest.

"I appreciate your concern, Robin-chan," Sanji said, trying to find the words, his hands going back to the remaining rice and forming more onigiri. "I... I don't know what to do."

"About Zoro?"

Sanji nodded. "I'm, I'm not gay. I never had any interest in men. But my interest in women is more limited than I pretend... and I am attracted to him. But it's all going so fast, even though he's trying to go at my pace...."

"So are you going to fast for yourself, then?"

"Maybe? In the moment it feels right, but then... I panic. I overthink, I can't stop overthinking. How do I know if I'm doing this because I'm lonely or touch-starved or if it's something more? I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to lose him..."

"Sanji-kun," Robin put her hand on his arm. "How does he make you feel? Just spit out the first words that come to mind."

That was the hard part. "... comfortable. Vulnerable, but safe... and special.... I'm happy when I'm with him, Robin-chan."

"Then what's wrong with indulging in that happiness? Do you need a label for it?"

Sanji sighed, setting down the last rice ball and washing his hands. "A label, no. But there's... a lot about me that he doesn't know. Like you said earlier, I don't get personal." He sat down next to her. "There's a lot I don't talk about. Don't ever want to talk about. I'd love to say my past is behind me, but... I can't guarantee that particular pieces of it won't cause problems in the future. Problems that he doesn't deserve, that he may not be prepared to deal with. He deserves someone who doesn't have that. Someone who can make him feel special, too. I'm... too selfish for that."

Robin scooted closer and gave Sanji a long hug. When she pulled back, she looked him in the eyes. "Tell me, did my hug just now bring on feelings like you're worried about with Zoro?"

"No," Sanji answered, almost too quickly. He found himself trying to backpedal. "I mean, it was a very nice hug, and I'm always happy to get a hug from a beautiful lady -"

"But it didn't make your heart race, right?" Robin knew the answer even before Sanji shook his head. "I don't think it's touch-starvation or loneliness causing that feeling, Sanji. You need to put your own word to it, but you don't need to do it right away. Or on your own. Talk to Zoro-kun about this. He may have different opinions on what he 'deserves' - or wants." She patted his shoulder gently. "Now, it looks like preparations for lunch are done. Would you like me to go get everyone?"

"I'll do it. Thanks, Robin-chan." Robin smiled in response as Sanji stepped to the door. "LUNCHTIME, BEAUTIFUL NAMI-SWAN AND YOU ORNERY BASTARDS!"