a million times over again

ch.5

Loki asks questions about the movie which are all answered by ned before I get a chance to say anything. it's funny how excited he gets when anyone asks him about Star Wars, I know from experience that he'll talk about it for hours and hours if you let him.

when the movie ends Loki looks at me, confusion on his face. "are there more movies? it feels like this is only part of the story." he says. MJ tries not to laugh and ned says "it is part of a series, there's like 9 movies, a shit load of books, and a handful of tv shows, it's a lot of media but--" MJ nudges his shoulder. "right, sorry" he smiles awkwardly.

"It sounds quite interesting, I'll have to look more into it." Loki smiles politely. "so what's it like living with tony stark?" ned asks excitedly. "it's actually a lot different than I thought it would be, but I'm glad he gave me a place to stay. honestly, I don't know how long I'm staying there, I don't want to be any trouble to him." I say.

"Peter, from what I've heard stark quite enjoys your company, he cares about you greatly," Loki says.

"what do you mean by different?" MJ asks, concerned. "well there's a lot less yelling," I say, laughing to myself like I just told a joke. no one else laughs. loki looks at me, worried. "I mean, I still feel weird going and asking to spend time with people, but no one says anything about it. I've only been there for a day but it's nice. less chaotic." I continue.

"if shit goes south you can always come to my place, you know my mom, she can't turn away a stray to save her life," MJ says. "yeah, here too, my mom loves you guys." ned says.

the four of us sit and talk for hours, mostly questions about the tower. for a few hours, I can pretend everything is normal. I can pretend it's another school night spent hiding away at ned's house while may gets ready for a night shift. I can pretend that I'm ignoring the clock, hoping to stay for as long as I can so no one is there when I get home. I can pretend she isn't gone.

I get a text from Mr.stark

bossman: hey kiddo, if you stay later than 9 let me know so I can have happy pick you up.(sent 45 mins ago)

me: okay :)(sent now)

I look up at the clock, 8:30. I look at Loki. "we should probably get going soon, it's almost 9" I say. "you guys aren't staying for dinner?" ned asks. "yeah, sorry dude. another time though, you're mom's an excellent cook." I say.

as Loki and I walk down the stairs toward the door, ned's mom stops us. "are you boys heading out? here wait, let me give you some food!" she says. "it's okay, you don't have to!" I say. "no-no! I insist! you're so skinny you might just starve to death! wait right here!" she smiles before running into the kitchen.

she returns form the kitchen holding 5 tupperware containers. "you can bring back the tupperware whenever you want, i have enough. this one is butter chicken sauce, this one it white rice for the sauce. this one is meatballs, this one is chicken tamales, and this one is pork tamales." she says as she hands the containers to me.

"thank you mrs.leeds, really. i'll make sure to bring back the tupperware as soon as i can." i say. "thank you for allowing me in your home, it;s been a pleasure." loki says befor getting the door for me.

i smile at neds mom before bubbling out of the front door holding food stacked up so high i have to lean around it to see. loki and i take the subway back to the tower, i have to swipe him through again.

when we get back i head straight for the kitchen and see Mr.stark standing at the fridge, looking for something to eat. "hi Mr.stark" i say. he jumps and dramatically puts his hand on his chest. "jesus christ kid, scared the shit out of me!" he laughs.

"sorry, i should probably put these in the fridge." i say, putting down the tupperware and un-stacking them so they don't fall. "oh you got food?" he asks. "Mrs.leeds insisted on giving me food. said i looked like i'd starve to death." i laugh.

when she said that it made me happier than it should've. was i really that skinny or was she just saying that? either way, she was kind of right. ever since i had the moment of realisation i haven't had any appitite. i usually don't want to eat anyway but i wasn't even hungry.

"so you ate there?" Mr.stark asks. i snap back to reality and pick up 3 of the containers. "uh, yeah, yeah i did." i lie. i put the containers in the fridge and go back to get the other 2. "okay, well, the rest of the guys are watching a movie right now, if you want to join us." he says.

"no i'm good, i think i'm just going to head to bed." i say. Mr.stark looks at me with furrowed brows, i can't tell if he's frustrated of worried. i air on the side of caution. "im sorry." i mutter and apology as quickly as i can.

"hey, kiddo you don't have to apologize. i'm just -- i don't want you to fall into the same trap i did when my folks passed, the isolation, the loneliness. just know you can always talk to me, or just hang out with me, thats also cool, infact i encourage that, i like hanging out with you." Mr.stark says, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"i'm trying not to, that's half the reason i went to neds today. i'm just really tired and want to go to bed." i say. "okay, love ya kiddo. good night." he says before walking away towards the main room. i put the last 2 containers in the fridge and go back to my room.

i sit on my bed and stare at my hands. i pose my hands and just stare at them for about 5 minutes. i hate them. they aren't boney enough, they look like sausages to me. i stand up and go to my bathroom. i stare at myself in the mirror.

why do i look like that? my face it sunken in, my sweater looks huge on me. it's a medium. i lift up the bottom of my sweater and look at my torso under it. you can see my ribs move every time i breathe.

i drop my sweater and head back to my room. i sit on my bed and bury my face in my hands. i feel lost, lonely, like i could be doing something better but I'm not, like i could be fixing this and I'm not, like I'm a failure.

usually when i feel like this i'd go on patrol but i don't know if i can here. i mean, there's probably an alarm on the windows right?

i slowly open the window. nothing. i grab a small bag, crawl out of the window, and close it behind me. this is a lot higher than I'm used too. i should've guessed. it's a penthouse in the tallest building in the city.

i crawl up the side of the building up to the roof. i sit on the edge, no spiderman suit, no web-shooters, no way to catch myself if i fall. i breathe. for a moment, everything melts away, but only for a few precious seconds.

i wish i could live in those few precious seconds, i wish they didn't have to end.

A/N sorry abt all of the spelling or grammar errors in the second half, my editor broke and I'm lazy, it's 4am. also, i want to give peter a sibling figure or romantic partner. i was thinking loki, but idk if you guys would like that. this story is yours too. also i 100% made ned autistic like me, he is with starwars how i am with marvel. obsessed.