a million times over again

ch.7 ⚠️Tw⚠️(maybe skip)

This chapter could be triggering. It contains descriptions of self-harm. If you need to skip it, don't worry. I'll put a short summary of this chapter at the beginning of the next chapter. Take care of your mental health. :)

I try to be as quiet as possible when I go into the bathroom and grab a fresh blade, a clean rag, and gauze bandage wrap.

I sneak back to my room. I sit in the middle of my floor and lay out everything in front of me. The spiral continues.

They got stuck with you. They're only saying they care because a dead teen will look bad on their hands.

I pick up the blade and hold it to my arm.

You're just in the way. They don't care about you, they care about your charity case.

I slide it across my arm, it's deeper than I expected it to be. I do it again, and again, and again. Sometimes I do it 3 or 4 times in the same spot, making one cut deeper and deeper.

Drip. Fuck.

I drop the blade and frantically grab the rag, I wipe up the blood on my floor as quickly as I can, then I press the rag into my arm to try and slow the bleeding, I have to check back cries, it hurts so badly. It doesn't slow down.

I slowly remove the rag and look at my arm. A few of the cuts are so deep that you can almost see the fat layer coming to the surface. Most of the others are barely shallower.

Fuck. This one was bad, it is bad. I press the rag into my arm again but this time my arm is numb. I take the rag off and quickly open the gauze wrap and wrap my arm.

I pull down my sleeve and stand up, trying to collect my tools and hide them. I stash them in a bedside drawer.

It's never been this bad before, I need to ask for help. No, they'll find out. I need the help more than I need to keep the secret. Who will help you? Bucky? Right after that heart-to-heart? Really? Shit, Loki? Won't know what to do. I'm just going to talk to bucky.

I stand up and open my door. As I step into the hallway, I start to shake, no, shiver? I don't know which door is his, I still don't know if I really want to bother him with this, I mean I'm probably fine.

"bucky?" I half-whisper. No one answers, obviously. I start walking down the hallway. "bucky?" I say, slightly louder but still trying to stay quiet.

"Peter?" Bucky opens his door and just stares at me. "I'm-- I'm sorry to bother you this late, I just--" I try to explain myself and get cut off by bucky. "kid, your--" he sighed and tries to collect his thoughts. "just-- come in." He says, ushering me into his room.

"show me your arm." He says as soon as the door closes. "how did you--" I start to panic, if it's that obvious I'm sure everyone in the tower will know by tomorrow. "your bleeding through your sleeve." He says.

"do I really have to show you?" I ask. "you should, I can help you take care of them properly." He says. I hesitate but eventually pull up my sleeve, revealing the gauze wrap. Bucky gently picks up my hand with his metal arm and finds the end of the gauze with the other hand.

"I have to take this off to see how bad it is, okay?" He says. I nod. He starts to unwrap my arm, the cheap gauze gets stuck in the wounds as he lifts the dressing away. It hurts, bad.

Bucky gently turns my arm and looks at me sadly. "Peter some of these might need stitches," he says. "no, please, is there any way I can get around that?" I panic.

Bucky sighs."okay, stay right here." He says. He goes to his dresser and pulls a first aid kit out of the top drawer. He walks back over and takes my hand.

He opens the first aid kit and puts anti-septic on all of the cuts, on the deeper ones he uses wound closures to hold them shut. He wraps my arm with fresh gauze and used tape to keep the end in place.

"there. They need to be changed tomorrow, I'll help you change it." He says, closing up the first aid kit. "please don't tell anyone." I say. "you have my word." He smiles at me.

"can I ask why? Was there a reason at all?" He asks. "I don't know, I just--" I pause and try to collect my words. How do I tell him I think everyone, including him, hates me without complaining?

"I'm just not used to people not-- not complaining about me, you know? I've always heard how much of a burden it was for ben and may to get stuck with me, ben usually did a good job of making sure I didn't hear it but when he passed it was all I heard." I say, tears stinging at my eyes.

"I feel bad for making you guys take me in. I don't want to be in the way, or burden anyone" I say. "Peter I promise you aren't in the way. We all care about you. Me, clint, nat, Steve, tony, even Loki cares about you." He says, leaning forward.

"you have that effect on people. you're a good kid peter, that's why stark took you in because you're a good kid and he cares about you." He says. "go get some sleep kid, if you can't sleep come back here and I'll hang out with you." He smiles at me.

"I'm sorry for bothering you so late, thank you." I say, getting up to leave. "good night bucky," I say before walking down to the hall to my room.

I lay in my bed and stare at my ceiling. I put in my headphones and play music before trying to sleep. It takes a while, but I eventually drift off to sleep.

Hopefully, tomorrow is better.

A/n I have no consistent schedule, so this chapter was written at the same time as the last one lol.