a million times over again

ch.17 (⚠️tw)

Trigger warning: this chapter (especially the beginning) descibes severe self harm/self injury. If that subjects or similar ones trigger you, please skip the first half of this chapter. I will put a butterfly symbol when its safe for you to read again. Take care of your mental health <3

I pick up the blade in front of me and even just holding it makes me feel better. I put it back down and gently remove bens sweater. It hurts but I eventually get it off. I fold it as neatly as I can and put it on my bed. I sit back in the middle of the floor again.

I cuff my sleeve so its up just above my elbow. I pick up the blade again and put it to my arm.

Do it already.

I push hard and move the blade quickly. It's deep, but I've done worse.

You don't deserve any of this.

I push harder. It's deeper, but not deep enough.

You're just a burden to them.

I push even harder and move the blade even faster. I make a pained noise and look at the blood as it drips down my arm and lands on the dirty rag underneath.

You just get in the way.

I do it again. And again. and again. And again. Each one deeper than the last.

You should just do everyone a favor and kill yourself at this point.

I push as hard as I can and move as fast as I can. The blade was higher up than I expected. I nearly scream in pain as I cut across my wrist.

I drop the blade and cover my mouth so no one hears me.

Too late.

"Peter? Are you okay?!" I hear mr.stark say as he knocks on my door. I take my hand away from my mouth to answer him but I can't form any words, I just cry.

"I'm coming in,' he says as he opens the door, "what's going--" he stops dead in his tracks when he sees me.

He wasn't supposed to find out like this, he wasn't supposed to find out at all.

He silently but quickly grabs a fresh clean rag from my desk and presses it into the wound. I can't help but cry out in pain.

"I know pete, I know, its okay." He says in a comforting tone. He lifts my arm so that my wrist is slightly above my heart without over extending my shoulder.

I can't help but sob. I feel so awful for letting him see me like this, and I feel even worse that he has to help me deal with a situation that I put myself in. Of course the pain in my wrist and my chest doesn't make things any easier.

"what's going o-- oh shit." Bucky says as he enters the doorway. He runs out of the room and comes back with what looks like a box of butterfly closures. "tony,  move the rag." He says.

Mr.stark moves the rag put of the day and bucky applies the butterfly closure and pulls the two edges of the wound together. He picks up the clean gauze and wraps my wrist tightly before wrapping it again with the self adhesive tape.

"I'm so sorry" I say. "hey, stay with me here peter." Mr.stark says, putting his hand on my back to keep me upright with bucky holds my wrist up. "I didn't mean to-" I sob. "Peter?" Mr.stark says. That's when I feel the weight of my head become too much for my neck, then my neck becomes too heavy for my back, then the world goes quiet.

Mr.stark gently lays me down and both him and bucky lean over me. Mr.stark is shaking my shoulder and I can see his mouth moving, but I don't hear anything. Bucky is still holding my wrist up but now he's pressing another clean rag against the other wounds.

I try to speak, I can't tell if the words came out or not. "dad I'm scared"

That's when I lose consiousness.

~~~🦋~~~

   I  wake up in a different room with an iv in my arm. I sit up and look to the side of my bed. I see mr.stark asleep in a chair against the wall and loki asleep in a chair next to my bed, holding my hand.

I squeeze his hand and he lifts his head slightly. "hm? Peter!" He says, excitedly but also sleeepily. Mr.stark snaps awake too. "what? Oh, Peter!" He says, getting up and walking over to the bed.

"what happened?"  I ask. "you scared the shit out of me, that's what happened" loki says, squeezing my hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" I say.

"hey, kid, its okay. You scared the shit out of everyone last night. We had to call in a favor from some old co workers. They said you'll you okay" mr.stark says.

"the last thing I remember is you trying to say something." I say. "well, I was worried, I still am worried to be completely honest with you. But hey, your alive right?" He says.

"I shouldn't have left you alone." Loki says. That sentence alone breaks my heart. "loki, no. I told you to leave me alone, honestly. It is okay." I say. "ice pop here is in charge of watching you for the next month. Anywhere you go, he goes." Mr.stark says.

"and if I'm not available to watch you, it will be either Stark, Barnes, or Rogers." Loki says. "so I'm being put on suicide watch?" I ask. Loki nods. "I'm sorry kiddo, wasn't my idea. But I think its best right now." Mr.stark says.

I nod and ask "where ate we by the way?" "a lab in Manhattan. Any normal hospital would've left you for dead, and I couldn't let that happen." Mr.stark says.

"can we go home?" I ask. "of course kiddo, we can go home. I'll bring you some scrubs so you don't have to walk out in a dress." Mr.stark jokes. I laugh and he leaves the room.

"Peter, can I ask why you did this?" Loki asks. "I don't know. Some one at school mentioned may, I wanted to-- I don't even know what I wanted to do..." I say, "the day just blurred together and I don't know what happened. I just wanted it to stop." I say.

The look of pain in lokis eyes kills Me. "Peter, there are other ways to stop this. I know this seems like the easiest way but I promise you its not." He says.

Mr.stark comes back in carrying scrubs. He puts them on the edge of my bed. "also,  you can still go on your patrols, I know that they're important to you." He says. "but then doesn't that defeat the purpose of me being on watch?" I ask.

"not really, I put a few extra things in your suit so I'll know when you're in trouble or when you're hurt." He says. "So I'll have to have someone follow me around during school?" I ask.

"yes, I can make myself look slightly different so no one suspects anything. You can tell them I'm a forgein exchange student, I've got the accent to match." Loki says. I laugh a little bit and swing my legs over the side of the bed.

"oh, let me get someone to remove your iv." Mr.stark says. He runs out of the room and a nurse comes in a few moments later. "ill leave you to get dressed." Loki says. He also gets up and walks put of the room while the nurse removes my iv.

I get dressed and walk out of my room to see a nurse standing next to the door. "ill walk you out to the waiting area." She says. I follow her through more hallways than seems possible but we evetually reach a room full of chairs, where mr.stark and loki are waiting.

"lets get you home kiddo." Mr.stark says as he stands up.

Short summary of the beginning:
Peter relapses sh, its more severe than he intended and closer to his wrist than he intended. Mr.stark comes into the room after hearing Peter cry, he starts to take care of peters wounds but Peter passes out.