a million times over again

ch.6 (talk of sh and unalive)

I sit with my feet over the edge, taking in the view, taking in the city. I had to climb over the safety railing, but there's a solid foot or so of space between the railing and the edge.

I place my bag next to me. I pull out the red notebook covered in smudged sharpie doodles and the pen with the end chewed to bits.

I uncap the pen and flip to an open page. I don't know what to write. Stereotypical teenage angst poem? No. A sorry note to Mr.stark? No why would I need that? I decide to write a letter to May.

Dear may,
I already miss you a lot. Mr.stark took me in, I don't know how long that will last but it's nice. I think ned is coming to terms with the fact that he likes MJ, only took him 3 months. Both of them offered me a place to stay, so if Mr.stark kicks me out I have a place to go. I wish you were here, I'll probably write you more of these letters, I know you won't read them but still, I'll leave them at your headstone eventually.

It feels nice to talk to her, I know she won't hear me but it's still nice to talk. I close the notebook and set it next to me. I stand up and just look out over the city.

I hear footsteps behind me. "Peter?" It's Cap, I think. His voice sounds shaky. I turn around as I realise I'd started crying.

"kid, whatever you're doing, don't." He says, his eyes frantically moving from me, to my notebook, to the edge. Wait.

I realize what this must look like. The kid whose only family just died, standing on the edge of the tallest building in the city, crying, with a notebook sitting next to him. it's not like that, is it?

"wait, no it's not- I mean kinda, but I wasn't actually going to--" I trip over my words and step back, instinctively trying to get away from the situation.

My foot brushes the edge of the rooftop, my heart starts pounding in my ears, and I can feel my knees shake, I bring my foot forward slightly.

"Peter!" Cap yells, and I flinch. "Peter please, get away from the edge. I know you feel lost, but I promise it gets better." He says, slowly walking towards me.

I could just fall.

Stop thinking like that.

Nothing is stopping me.

I don't want to do this.

Just jump already you--

I'm frozen in thought. While I stand blankly, tears streaming down my face, Steve gets closer to me. My cycle of self-destructive argument is broken when he picks me up, safely placing me on the other side of the railing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I can't hold back the tears anymore, the crying turns into sobbing. My knees give and I collapse into his arms.

"Shhh, it's okay Peter, it's okay." He says, holding me up and hugging me. I feel like a child, I feel weak. I feel dizzy like I might pass out.

"Steve, have you seen-- Peter?" Bucky comes out onto the roof and rushed over to me and cap. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to --" I start to explain myself.

"Don't ever apologize for being in pain, does nothing but make it worse," Cap says, letting me out of the hug so I can steady myself. I try my best to wipe the tears from my eyes and dry my face.

"That's not why I came up here, but somehow it turned into that, I don't know how," I explain. Bucky stands silently, trying to make sense of the situation. You can see it click on his face.

His face turns from confusion, to worry, to guilt, to fear, back to worry. He looks almost frantic for a moment. "Peter, kid." His voice is shaking, his voice never shakes.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, more to myself than to anyone else. "let's get you inside, you'll freeze to death out here." Bucky says, putting a comforting hand on my back and starting to lead me towards the door inside.

"wait, my stuff," I say, turning to get it. "I'll get it," Cap says, grabbing my bag and my notebook. Please don't look in the bag.

Something falls out of my bag and I panic. Don't be the blade or the gauze. It's the broken pencil sharpener. No. He throws it back in my bag without a second thought.

Bucky sighs. "cmon kid, it's late." He says. We walk back inside and they walk me back to my room. "I care about you, you know that right? We all do." Cap says. He walks down the hallway.

"Peter, I saw what fell out of your bag. I don't know if you know this but we do share a bathroom. I know you're too young to need a single-blade razor and definitely too young to have a 30 pack of replacement blades." He says, bluntly. Fuck

"I'm 15 I need to--" I say, defensive. "believe it or not Peter I understand more than you think. Metal arm means the scars aren't there anymore. I know it's not something you stop overnight, but try to talk to me, please." He says.

I stand there, not knowing what to say. "good night kid." He says, patting my shoulder before walking to his room.

He's going to tell everyone. He doesn't understand why you do it. He wouldn't understand. 

So the spiral begins. Maybe it won't be as bad if I stop it now, right? I was so wrong.

A/n accidentally hit publish but that okay, the chapter started to get really long so I cut it in half, the next chapter may be triggering. Also my editor is still broken I'm sorry, I'm very dumb with words lol

a/n 2 my editor is working again! woo!!