The Ashes of Marriage

Chapter 9

After three days at the hospital, I am glad to be home. Bram has been with me every day. He could take all the time he needed off to help me recover. I feel fine, but Bram insists on me taking it easy. No heavy lifting, no extended time on my feet, and keep the stress to a minimum. He's stressing me out about how protective he is being. Less than a week ago, we were barely talking, and he confessed to an affair. Well, a misstep in judgment, as I will continue to call it. The smothering and hovering are a lot to take in.

Despite his smothering, I can tell he is unsure of how to act around me.

Last night, I pretended to be asleep as he slid into bed, and I could feel him looking at me. He brushed his knuckles lightly against my cheek and kissed my forehead. He sat still for a few moments. Satisfied by my lack of movement, Bram placed his hand on my abdomen before he kissed my abdomen. I shifted positions, and he instantly jumped away from me like someone had electrocuted him and turned toward the wall. After a few minutes, I heard light snoring from his side of the bed.

I wake up feeling slightly nauseous and go to the kitchen to get some water. While leaning against the fridge, I see the metal box on the counter. I move the box to the table and take a seat while playing with the lock on the box. What is the code? My mother was 28 when she died, making her a few years older than me now. What would matter to a 28-year-old?

"Hey." I look up to see a groggy Bram. He's standing there in just pajama bottoms. Gone is the six-pack from college. Now his stomach is just flat and hard. So, a huge 1 pack? Bram still looks strong, even though he's not ripped. He looks more normal now than the picturesque Adonis body he used to have. He looks amazing, or maybe my hormones are making me very excited. Gotta stay focused.

"Hey," I respond. Bram takes a seat at the table rubbing his eyes.

"You couldn't sleep?"

"Little nausea, but I'm fine."

Bram nods his head. His brows pinch together as if he has something on his mind, but he is debating whether to ask me.

"Say it, no judgment." He looks up with recognition of our old phase. We started saying that to each other back in college after our fights so that the other would know we weren't angry anymore.

"I want to talk about the baby, and I feel like I can't."

"You can."

"No, I can't. I see your face when I mention the baby, and it gets hard like stone, and you look uncomfortable."

"I..." I stop. Why deny it? "I'm not sure how I feel about the baby Bram. I'm scared most days of waking up and seeing a bed full of blood, and every morning I wake up and see clean sheets I'm slightly disappointed."

"You're scared."

"Shitless." I exhale hard. Being a mom is terrifying for me. I'm so scared to enjoy this pregnancy, this experience. Most days, I try to forget I'm pregnant.

"Babe." Bram stands and comes to my side of the table. He kneels and rests his hands on my lap, sending bolts of excitement shooting through me. Calm down Alisha, jeez, I scold myself. I look down at him. Bram's hair is disheveled, eyes tired, lips pouty... Stop Alisha. I stare at his hands on my thigh but force myself to think of other things. I must have lost weight, as Brams' hands seem so big on my lap. I have noticed I've had to tighten my belt and my butt doesn't quite fill out my jeans the way I remember. My breasts look amazing though. Pregnancy is a good look for them. They look like two caramel mounds spilling over the tops of all my bras. Does Bram even find me attractive anymore? I used to catch him giving me lustful looks, but now I barely get a sideways glance. Valentine's day was alcohol-fueled, so that doesn't count.

"Alisha." Bram only says my full name if he's been trying to get my attention and I haven't responded or during sex. Whatever Bram was saying while I was lost in thought is a mystery. His brow furrowed, his nostrils flare and his lips look, delicious.

"I said..." I place my hands on both sides of his face and kiss him. Light and slow, and Bram is startled. His grip tightens on my lap. His grip excites me more and I deepen the kiss. Bram moans against my lips.

"Alisha."