The Ashes of Marriage

Chapter 11

I am outside, running around the front yard of Macedonia Baptist Church. I recognize the front steps. This is Mama's church. It's the church on the corner. I pick up the Dandelions and blow the seeds into the wind. As I laugh, I feel my favorite butterfly barrettes bounce on their springs while I toss my head around. The glitter from the barrette's shed on my clothes and hair, and I feel like a beautiful sparkly princess. I turn and see Candy drinking a soda under the big pecan tree in the corner of the church grounds next to the graves. I breathe deep and smell a strong, earthy scent. The rain is coming. I run towards Candy, my beaded braids clinking with every stride. I reach her and before I can say anything, she holds her finger to her lips and then points at Mama. Mama is on the other side of the pecan tree on her hands and knees, with her head bowed as she cleans off the headstone. I don't know whose grave this is, but I know we have never been here before. I can hear Mama saying words, but I can't make them out.

"Why issa Mama talkin' to tha big roc?"

"She issnt talkin to no big roc. She issa talkin to tha spirit. Sum body she kno' died." Candy explained. I don't understand what a spirit is, but I don't tell Candy because I don't want to seem like a baby.

"Who tha spirit?"

"I'on kno to tell the truth. But I kno that spirit means a lotta Mama. Look," Candy whispered, "she cryin'."

I look over to see Mama on her knees staring at the headstone with words on it. I can't read well and don't know what it says. She has tears running down her face. This is the first time I see Mama cry. Mama is strong. What will make her cry? Mama reaches out and touches the stone. Her fingers lightly caress the letters. She smiles as if she remembers something good. I don't like to see Mama cry. I look down at my shoes. They are shiny and black Mary Janes. I notice a run in my tights. Why do I have on tights? Why am I dressed up? Mama even let me wear my special butterfly barrettes. I see Candy and she is dressed up in a puffy pink dress and ribbons in her hair. Mama has on a loose white dress, but she has a big bump in the fabric where her stomach is. That's where the baby is.

Suddenly Mama jumps up to her feet, looks at her watch, and turns her head really fast, looking around. Mama looks worried. She reaches into the pocket of her purse and puts a moon pie at the base of the headstone. She grabs our hands and drags us toward the car. I dig my heels into the ground, and Mama whips her head back around.

"Ali, we have to go, baby," Mama says in a shaky voice. "We are running late, and Mama has to start dinner for Daddy."

"Canna I leave sumthin too? For tha spirit?" I ask her. Mama pauses for a moment before she nods her head.

I run over to the grave and stand there looking at the headstone for a moment. I have nothing to leave, and I don't have pockets to check and I'm not sure what to leave. This spirit means something to Mama, and I want to leave something special. Then I remember the barrettes in my hair. I reach up and pull the butterfly barrette from the crown of my head and place it on top of the moon pie.

"Be free, butta fly." I say as I back away from the headstone towards mama. Candy takes another sip of her soda, looks at the can, and then puts it next to the headstone.

"For if ya get thirsty. Ya betta enjoy it to cause it was ma last one." She turns towards Mama and walks to the car. I grab Mama's hand and look up to see fresh tears running down her cheeks.

"I have the sweetest little girls!" Mama says to me, smiling.

In the distance, the thunder cracks. Mama grabs our hands and drags us to the car. As she is putting us in the car, a faded red pickup swerves into the parking lot and pulls up next to Mama's car. An older man jumps out and rushes to Mama.

"Girls! Lock the doors!" Mama says quickly and we do as we are told. She closes the door. The older man seems to yell at Mama, and she is crying and yelling back. The thunder is closer now, and big fat raindrops hit the windshield.

The older man is red in the face as he talks to Mama. His skin is tan but pale where he rolls up his sleeves. We glued our eyes to Mama and the man. I want to hear what is being said, so I roll the window down an inch to hear.

"... All I'm saying is you can have the decency to not show your face around here." The older man spat back at Mama. The man talks like Mama. Even though Mama grew up in the south, her accent is difficult to pick up and she speaks differently from the rest of our family. Mama said she needs people to take her seriously, and she needs to talk properly. The older man looks more hurt than angry to see Mama. I don't understand.

"I just needed to speak to him... I'm sorry."

"Leave." A tear falls from the older man's eye. "Please."

Mama pauses for a second before strolling to the driver's door.

"Every day I wake up and think of him. Every night, I pray to see him again. You may damn me to hell, but being here without him... I'm living in hell." Mama exclaimed. Then Mama jumped in the car and drove away with tears flowing down her face. After a few minutes, Mama pulls over, and she says nothing. Her knuckles are white as she grips the wheel.

I hear a sound. Loud and pained. A howl? A screech? After a few more seconds, I realize the piercing noise is a scream. The scream is coming from Mama. I look over at Candy and she looks frightened. I scoot closer to her, and she holds me while Mama continues to scream and cry for a few more moments. She quiets down and wipes her face as she looks at her watch and appears frightened.

"We have to hurry home, girls..."

Mama's door rips open and I see her yanked out of the car. I look out the window just for my eyes to meet the eyes of step daddy. His eyes look fiery mad. I grab Candy's hand, and she covers my body with hers.

"Cover your ears, Ali!" Candy yells, but it's too late. I hear the slaps across Mama's face and the sobs that follow...