The Ashes of Marriage

Chapter 8

As I open my eyes and see brightness all around me, I squint at the light. An IV is in my arm and my head is sore and pounding. Each pump of my heart booms in my ears. I'm alive. Thank goodness. Looking down at my chest and see the white hospital gown covered by a sheet. I grip the top of the sheet and fling it off of me and look down between my thighs. The sheets have quarter-sized blood stains. The room tilts when I exhale and try to sit up a little further. I fall back onto the pillow. I rest my hands on my lower abdomen and close my eyes.

Tears snake their way into my hairline. I sniff.

"Ali..."

I look to my right and see a chair in the corner holding a groggy Bram.

"Ali, everything is okay," Bram says as he sits up straight. "You hit your head pretty hard on the edge of the counter and was out like a light. I didn't know what to do, so I carried you to the car and flew to the emergency room. They say to have a serious concussion and to take it easy for a while."

I cry harder. Sobs escape my mouth.

"Bram, I thought I died, and the last thing I saw was your back as you were walking out of the door." I continue to cry. "I'm broken, Bram. I'm treading water, but I feel like I'm sinking. "

I look down at the quarter-sized blood spots. "I wanted to give you everything. I wanted to bring the smile back to your face, and I blew it. I wanted..." I look over at Bram's face, "To be normal."

"Babe..." His face softens, and he gently grabs my hand. "We can get through this, but no more secrets. I promise."

I nod my head against my pillow, feeling empty.

"You're only saying that because I'm hurt." I look at him. "Admit it."

Bram stares at his hand.

"I feel so guilty, Ali. Last night I wanted to get your attention. The suitcase was empty. I just wanted to know you honestly wanted me to stay. Most days, I don't know how you feel about me. I wanted to hear that you love me more than anything. In the process, you got hurt. Really hurt. Physically and emotionally. I'm so sorry about the affair. I will do anything to make it up to you."

"Was it really an affair if you didn't seal the deal?" I smirk.

Bram chuckles. "What do you call it?"

"I gross misstep in boundaries... Bram?" I angle my head towards him.

"Yea?"

"I'm hurt by what you did... but I understand how that happened. You were lonely, and loneliness is a hell of a driving force..."

Bram grabs my hand.

"But... Do not mistake my understanding for forgiveness. "

Bram releases my hand. "Understood."

We both are silent for a few moments.

"This may be a horrible thing to say, but part of me was hoping you would catch me with her," Bram said, staring at his hands.

I look at him out of the corner. His shoulders are hunched, and he looks defeated.

"You felt guilty. Getting caught would have been a relief."

"You are right, you know-- "

"Aaahhh!"

A sharp pain rips through my lower abdomen. I clutch the sheets.

"I'll get the nurse!" Bram rushes out the door.

I close my eyes and hold my abdomen where the pain is. Tears flow freely now.