The Ashes of Marriage

Chapter 20: The Plot Thickens

December 12, 1994

Dear Mary Ann,

What can I say after so many years of silence? The last time we spoke, I told you I never wanted to see you again, and I watched you run away in tears, straight into the arms of another man. You and Will have a picture-perfect life with a beautiful little girl, a pleasant home, and so much promise for the future. He has his navy career, and you finally have your dream of being the mother and wife you have always wanted. I've told myself this for years after you married him.

When I saw you in the library last week, I couldn't help but feel something was wrong. When our eyes connected, I swear I felt something was wrong even though you wore a smile. I know I'm crossing the line by leaving this journal in your work mailbox, but I just didn't know how else to reach you. Despite what I said when we were teenagers, after my accident, I still loved you, but I just couldn't face you. I went from being your superman to a cripple in a wheelchair. I was feeling sorry for myself and pushed everyone away. If I could do it again, I would have told you that you were the best thing that happened to me. Nothing else in my life compared to how you made me feel. Our friendship was the biggest loss of my life, not my ability to walk. Please, if you feel as if you have no one to talk to, talk to me. We can write to each other in this journal like we use to. I come to town often to check my mailbox at the post office. If you decide to respond, you can put the journal in my mailbox. Its number 1986, which was also the best year of my life. There's a key to the box in the back jacket of this journal. I do hope I hear from you.

Hunter

December 15, 1994

Dear Hunter,

It's so good to hear from you. After so many years, you can still look at me and tell something is wrong and you are right. My life looks picture perfect on the outside, but I'm lonely on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and adore my daughter, but my life doesn't feel as good as I imagined.

Will is a great provider and father. He is a respectful husband, and everyone loves him. This is what I wanted, right? I'm living the life I prayed for all those years, and I guess I shouldn't complain, but I feel like a caged bird in my marriage. I perform everything the way Will wants it done. Everything from my style of clothes and makeup to my circle of friends and sex positions. He tells everyone I am the perfect wife for him. That's because he has molded me to be exactly who he wants. I don't have a say in anything. When we were getting the house built, I wanted a bungalow with a huge wrap-around porch. Will dismissed it as nonsense and I ended up with this brick prison with no porch at all. He was adamant about hand-pressed bricks, an expense that meant we had to give up a bedroom. The house is so masculine and cold. He won't even let me plant flowers to brighten it up. He watches what I eat, screens my phone calls, won't let me hang out with my friends, limits how much time I spend with my family, criticizes how I mother Candy and makes me feel unworthy of love. Does he really love me? I feel as if I checked enough of his boxes just like he checked enough of mine, and now we are married, till death do us part. I shouldn't speak badly of my husband. At least he doesn't hit me.

For the record, I don't hate you, Hunter. For years, I've dreamed of you and prayed for you to find happiness. I wanted true happiness for at least one of us. I am so grateful for the friendship and love we shared for all those years. Because of the love I received from you, I can tell that what Will and I have is not love, it's a game of control and submission and it's very lonely. I opened up to Shirley about how I felt, and she said that marriage is just a compromise and I have to adjust. She said what everyone says. Will is a good man and I should be happy and to be grateful God blessed me with such a good husband. Everyone mirrors her words if I say one thing wrong about Will. At 14, I didn't know any better when we started dating. At 20, I see the red flags all too well. We got word last week that they will ship him out for an 8-month assignment on New Year's, and I can't wait to be free of him. He has plans for us to immediately try for a boy when he gets back. What Will wants, Will gets.