The Ashes of Marriage

Chapter 12

I jolt awake. My eyes struggle to adjust to the darkness. What was that about? I feel my cheeks and they are wet. Was I crying? I've had scarier nightmares, and none has made me cry. I notice movement next to me.

"Babe..." Bram says groggily. He rubs his eyes as he yawns and pushes himself up on his forearms. Bram places his hand on my cheek and immediately snatches his hand back as he flips on his bedside lamp. I turn away from the light, and Bram rubs my back. My breathing slows and I take deep breaths. After a few minutes, I turn to Bram and tell him about the dream.

"Have you ever had a dream like this before?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "Never."

"You looked scared Ali."

"It wasn't like any dream I've ever had, Bram. This dream felt real. Like I was there."

"Well... I read online that pregnancy can cause very realistic dreams." The room fell silent. He has mentioned The Pregnancy. I still feel awkward about it, but I have to push forward and attempt to show Bram he is not in this alone. Come on, Ali, show him he isn't alone!

"I read pregnancy can make women glow and appear more attractive. Do you find me more attractive now that I am carrying your child?" I say with a smile.

"Yes," Bram says without hesitation. "You look the same, but different at the same time. I look at you and I'm filled with pride, like I'm proud you are carrying my child. No matter how it came to be."

"What do you mean, how?" My eyes got big. "Did you think I cheated?"

"That's not what I meant!" Bram said, backpedaling quickly. "I meant because we didn't plan it." The room was silent again.

"Bram, when you made love to me that night, on Valentine's Day, were you even thinking of me? Or were you thinking of her?" My voice came out strong, but my insides were an ocean of waves.

Bram stares at me for a moment, seeming to be deep in thought.

"When I came home that night, I committed to forgetting about my past with her. Before I came into the house that night, I played a few of our homemade videos from college to remind me of you. The you that you were. I took a shot and when I walked in the door. The lights were low, and you were dancing in the kitchen with music playing, and it reminded me of what you used to do. We weren't talking, and I had told you I wouldn't be home until late, so I felt like the whole thing was not for me. For a moment I felt like an intruder in my home." Bram exhaled.

"But when you turned around and saw me standing there, you looked happy, like you were expecting me. Like the old you." Bram rubbed my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it. "When we fucked that night, it felt like it did the first time we ever fucked. Uncertain and needy, and I swear, I only thought about you." I smile and laugh at his statement before revealing my truth.

"Bram, to be fair, I was thinking about young Morris Chestnut," I say with a shrug. He grins and I feel the old familiar comfort return in our relationship. At that moment, I realize I don't want to keep being mad at him for his misstep of judgment. I just want him and what we used to have. As I lean back against the headboard, I take Bram's hand into mine and I can feel Bram watching me. I'm replaying my dream over in my head.

"Hey Bram, what if my dream was a memory?"

"Yea, that's a terrible memory, babe."

"I didn't have the greatest childhood."

"True. So you don't remember if that dream happened or not?"

"No. As you said, pregnancy has been affecting my dreams. It seemed too exact to be fake, you know what I mean?" Bram nodded his head. I continued. "In my dream, I was wearing a dress I had seen in a picture of me at 3 years old. Mama was also pregnant, which would have been right because Kora was born on my 4th birthday."

Bram's eyebrows pinch together.

"But why have the dream now? Why relive the childhood trauma?" Bram says to himself more than to me, while he gets lost in his thoughts. Suddenly, Bram grabs his phone off the side table and says the time aloud. 6 am. He rolls his eyes." Too late to go back asleep now."

I smile and slide out of bed. As soon as I stand, I feel dizzy. Bram quickly comes to my side to steady me, and as I regain my balance, I trudge to the kitchen for a cup of water. Bram is close behind me. I sit at the table as Bram gets me a glass of water. The water is cool to the back of my throat, and I look over to Bram staring at the metal box.

"Did you crack the code?" I ask jokingly.

Bram is quiet.

"Ali, I think I have figured it out."