Withering Head Wounds - Soudam

The Growing Anxiety

Gundham furrowed his eyebrows, confused by Kazuichi suddenly wanting to leave their position. He was now sitting in his lap, his body tensing up as he stared for a while. They were fine just a minute ago, why did he want to get up all of a sudden?
"...but I used-..." He hardly tried explaining. Why did he want to shower all of a sudden? The point of wiping him down was so he didn't have to shower!
Unless of course...
The breeder stared down at the floor, his legs instinctively wrapping around Kazuichi. Why hadn't he bothered to take notice before?
Gundham became visibly upset, shoulders and eyes sinking as if the emotion was shutting him down. He slowly turned his head back towards the other, though did not meet his gaze at all. Instead, he carefully wrapped his arms around him in a loose but still protective hold, letting Kazuichi push him off if he really wanted but holding him in a way that made him hope it wouldn't matter. "...Kazuichi..." His tone was much the same as his body language, hurt and almost closed off completely. "...you use that excuse to escape me...is that right?" There was a clear pattern with it after all, leaving him whenever an emotion became too much for Kazuichi. He really didn't want to be right, but the boy had already used the excuse so much, it was hard to ignore. And while he was upset, all his sadness was more of how he was keeping himself from getting angry. Because he knew that the more he got angered like this, the more likely he'd be to just take Kazuichi. "I see you smile in my arms and yet you run from me...why can you not tell me how to make you happy...?"

Kazuichi froze. He could hear the pain in his voice and he felt immediate guilt, mentally scolding himself. He knew he was awful at lying. He just wanted to leave. "O-Of course not...I just wanna shower..." he replied, sounding as genuine as he possibly could. He knitted his brows before pushing out of the grasp, standing up and wrapping his arms around himself. "Look, Sonia passed less than a week ago, I'm still mourning...I can't just be happy in your arms all the time..." he muttered out, a slight scowl plastered across his face. "I...still love her." he added, glancing away. He knew that was going to hurt him, but it was the truth...for the most part.
"I know that!" Gundham huffed, making the boy flinch. Honestly, Kazuichi was acting like he'd forgotten about her completely, and while he hadn't, he sort of wished the both of them had. "That's not my point." He sighed, sounding gentle as he stood up and placed his hands on the boy's shoulders. "You can be happy and still mourn her. You can be happy with me without...loving me..." He wanted the mechanic to love him. He wanted that day to come so bad, and he'd thought he was getting close with everything Kazuichi was doing.
But alas...back to square one again.
How long would it take for him to not care so much anymore?

That look on his face didn't seem to be budging, and so Gundham had no choice but to sigh. Kazuichi seemed so stubborn about all this, he wondered how much more he'd be able to take before he couldn't handle the rejection anymore. The breeder moved away, pulling on his discarded pants from earlier and finally grabbing a shirt to wear. "You already showered today, so I suggest you refrain from using soap, or at least not large amounts." He spoke as he dressed himself. "You continue to bathe so frequently, and you'll have to buy moisturiser. I don't think you want to have another living expense." Gundham was about to walk out, but he paused briefly. He hated seeing Kazuichi like this. Why couldn't they go back to all those wonderful feelings from before?
"...You say and do so much, and you contradict yourself constantly." He noted with some kind of pity in his voice. "I can not tell what you truly want from me. But this internal conflict...whatever it is that confuses your actions...a part of me wishes you'd decide which side to listen to." He lingered for a moment, as if trying to force Kazuichi to consider his words before leaving.

Kazuichi didn't know what to say, and in all honesty, he didn't even know what he was feeling. He was using Gundham, but sometimes everything was just so overwhelming for him that he just couldn't take it. The idea of being his sent him into a panic. Why couldn't he just be a friend to him? Why did he need more?
That's when he remembered...he started this. He was the one that gave him a hand-job, he was the one who kissed him, he was the one that brought up the topic of sex in the first place. He pitied himself this whole time because he was only doing these things so that Gundham would stay, but Gundham had never asked for any of it. He didn't know how to feel, all he knew was that he felt shitty. He had practically killed Sonia and then fucked her best friend. He was a pathetic whore all just so he wouldn't be alone? He deserved it. everyone left him because he was a murderer. Any relationship he had in his life, he was just fucking up. He was so used to everyone else stabbing him in the back, that he hadn't been picking up on the stuff he did to others. He never picked up on the harassment to Sonia, he never picked up the heartache he had been causing Gundham. And he knew it wasn't something he could fix. Sonia was dead, and he knew that with Gundham, he'd pull this shit again sooner or later.