6/10/14 Monday
Well, I can already tell this week's going to go so slowly.
First thing was my CPN to weigh me but she didn't believe my weight was accurate because I have a history of water loading and the fact I gained quite a bit. I've never gained that much since the very start of refeeding. I'm not really bothered by it though, it's strange not to be but I'm too low to think about it much.
I gave my CPN something I'd written which now I wish I'd taken a photo of it so I know exactly what they have from me. I feel too exposed now. The note went something like this:
"The conflict in my head is so frustrating and exhausting when it's between voicing that I don't feel safe or not saying anything and still having a harmful plan set out because safety plans wouldn't be put in place. I know I couldn't do that to people close to me, leave them with the aftermath. I worry, for others, that some day I won't speak out but it would be like a relief, in a way, freedom. It hurts that I can't "magic" myself to feel safe."
So yeah, she's kept that to share with the team... Not sure what that entails but I've still got the psychiatrist seeing me in school on Wednesday.
My CPN and I then went up to my guidance teacher for a meeting and I now have a key for her door, like a temporary card, so I can go into the office when I'm struggling too much with classes which is kind of good so I can get some breathing space. I also mentioned how I was worried about maths which I then went to discuss with my maths teacher after school.
My guidance teacher offered me a lift to the library after school but I kept declining and got worked up about it because I have to do these things alone otherwise I can't go to Gaela's birthday thing. So I went up to the library myself after my mum phoned me multiple times, worrying because I didn't turn up as early as she was expecting. I'm just still here.
I'm not sure if I've said this before, probably have but the thought of growing up terrifies me, like, less support and everything. Learning to cope on my own when I can't even look further than one day away.
~I wanna fly, can you take me far away?~
Wings - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.
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Relapse & Repair
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
