13/11/14 Thursday
There's been really nothing to say recently other than I've been sleeping to avoid the constant suicidal thoughts and self hate.
Things were scarily looking up last week and then they dipped at the weekend again. It seems stupid being scared of not having suicidal thoughts but it's true, I feel lost, hanging in the balance otherwise.
I've lost my good blades, serves me right for leaving it where I could knock it off [a surface] and lose it easily and now I need to buy another sharpener but I won't be alone to be able to. Probably will take the blade out of my last remaining whole sharpener and use that then put a blade back into my old sharpeners.
I feel like such a failure because I couldn't even manage Monday-Wednesday mornings in school. Monday, I spent time in guidance and went home at the agreed time. Tuesday, I spent more time in guidance and went home early and Wednesday, my mind was all up for running away from school so I didn't go in.
My co-CPN took me on a drive yesterday and we went through a village next to the bridge and it was quite triggering but not in a fully distressing way, just felt like a fact that I was going to jump from it on Wednesday and now it keeps getting postponed in my mind.
The psychiatrist's coming again (again) tomorrow so ready for some fun ratings (!)
~I wanna live, I wanna love, but it's a long hard road out of hell~
Long Hard Road Out Of Hell - Marilyn Manson.
YOU ARE READING
Relapse & Repair
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
