21/12/14 Sunday
I guess I do feel a bit like an outsider in here, coming here when the majority of people are in for eating disorders and I'm not. They started having a big conversation about eating disorder related stuff and I felt kind of awkward like there was a 'party' going on without being invited. That definitely does not mean I want to be back in a position of struggling though. I'm struggling enough as it is without bringing food issues back into play.
I've taken to pacing a lot, mainly because I'm agitated, I haven't been out since I ran on Tuesday and to tire me out so I don't have to keep constantly thinking. I tried to get out the door on Saturday and stamped on J__'s foot while he restrained me which he mentioned and I still feel guilty for that but it's like how A__ described it, all my thoughts go to black and all I can think about is getting out the door.
Same with today, I stood at the door, I don't exactly know why but I want out and it feels comforting sometimes to be near the door. L__ led me back to my room and then when the doorbell rang, I tried to run for it but I was stopped again and I had stamped on L__ but this time, I wasn't even aware I had done it and I feel bad for that now again because they're right, I should have that level of self-control.
Still don't know about passes for Christmas but it's not looking hopeful if I can't go into the garden with staff or anything.
My parents are meeting with the psychiatrist and the charge nurse tomorrow to find out about ongoing plans with my treatment. I'm not going so my mum can be more assertive apparently. Sounds like a bundle of laughs.
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YOU ARE READING
Relapse & Repair
Literatura faktuTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
