2/11/14 Sunday
It's November already! Feels like so short a time but a long year at the same time.
Self harm urges are stronger than they have been recently but feeling too sedated to actually cut and it would probably be a different picture if I didn't have to clean it up after because I have no energy to do that. I mustered all energy to write because I had something to write which I just remembered about.
I had a realisation on Friday that even though I still struggle with the thought of not being 'ill enough' and feeling like I 'want' to be inpatient because I would be 'ill enough', inpatient doesn't automatically mean more help. Outpatient ITS is if anything more intensive than inpatient because you get way more time 1:1 with them and you have more opportunity to do things you want to do with them. I know I still find it difficult with the thought of 'needing' hospital and when I'm feeling less safe it's worse but I guess I've started to find reasons why I shouldn't be there which is kind of a positive.
The feeling of being drugged up helps sometimes because you feel more groggy - more safe in a way.
When my mum mentioned to her friend I was off school again, she had a wee heart-to-heart with me about her experiences and stuff and it's quite amazing she's still working hard to get through the fight with illness in her and two of her sons' cases.
See how I feel tomorrow but my mum's encouraging me to do schoolwork and I'm trying not to make it feel like pressure but sometimes I really don't feel up to it.
~I just want to save you while there's still something left to save~
Savior - Rise Against.
YOU ARE READING
Relapse & Repair
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
