14/10/14 Tuesday
The suicidal thoughts are getting worse. It's probably just an ironic coincidence that this always happens when I started antidepressants. Either that or it's just because I think it's going to be worse, so it is.
There's really not a lot to say about that, pretty self-explanatory. Now I've started thinking about a suicide note and the cuts get deeper. I've gone down a dark path I think but there was no light at the end of the tunnel anyway.
My CPN asked me if I saw hope and when I answered no, she said she hoped I could hang on until things improved. I don't know what "better" looks like, she asked me if I had been like this too long to know and I slowly nodded.
I just put so much pressure on people but all I can think about is ending the pain for myself. I know I'm selfish, I just can't tell how much longer I can carry on for. No idea how people put up with me.
~I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world from turning into a monster and eating us alive~
Monster - Paramore.
YOU ARE READING
Relapse & Repair
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
