Relapse & Repair

And I'm, I'm already gone

20/10/14             Monday

I understand that some people see the need in themselves to go inpatient etc. because they want to get better but in my case, why would I say I think I need to be in hospital when I spent nearly 10 months there?! My CPN asked me today because she's becoming 'more concerned' about me. I immediately said no when she asked me that and she took that as a good thing, I'm not sure whether I think that is or not.

It didn't help I was really tired from Gaela's sleepover. I think it went okay. I joined in and stuff and it was a good distraction mostly but I felt and still feel now an overwhelming sense if guilt because all these people are reaching out to me and are supportive and I'm like, denying them when I think about hurting myself. Gaela really liked the scarf though, I was really pleased about that because I want sure if it was too cheesy or not. We baked all the layers of a rainbow cake but some of them crumbled and we didn't have time to ice it together but the process was fun. I thought the whole sleepover was fun, as much fun as fun can be at the moment. It just doesn't help having a downer afterwards. I'm over-thinking again, I should just accept it as a good time and not analyse whether I 'deserved' it or not.

I have a meds review tomorrow so that means seeing the psychiatrist and after my CPN brought up inpatient again, that's making me anxious. She always asks for a number rating of mood and safety and it honestly stresses me out having to almost 'calculate' that in my head. Should be getting the meds upped to a more therapeutic dose but still something which I hold little hope in.

Still have homework to do but I can't concentrate and it seems like a waste of time when I have the plan set out... Why can't I just enjoy things without something overshadowing?

~And I'm, I'm already gone~
I'm Already Gone - A Day To Remember.