6/11/14 Thursday
(The header is a letter a friend sent me that made my day that day.)
It disgusts me when I think at one point I was some kind of pro ana. I try to rationalise it thinking I was clearly unwell but it still sickens me.
I didn't cut for a while but now I have again because I had enough energy I guess. It seems odd to me that I wouldn't cut solely because I couldn't be bothered with the mess afterwards but my CPN got it.
It also seems like I only write when things are going significantly well or significantly badly in regards to mental health. That's what it feels like my life has become. But I guess it's true, being mentally unwell (if I even admit that) and struggling through every day is a full time job. One day feels like forever and even when I'm doing something, I also worry about what I'm going to do after that because I don't want to be left aimless. I don't get any enjoyment from anything really, well maybe music but that's just a tiny spark and the rest of the day feels impossible to get through.
I might be going back to school next week but my CPN said a discussion would need to be had with the psychiatrist first so I'm not sure if they have the power to keep me off school like they did when weight was an issue or not. I'm nor entirely sure I would be ready for school next week either or keeping myself safe but it could be better than idling at home.
I feel like an infant sometimes, sleeping a lot and not being able to concentrate yet saying 'I'm bored'.
~Living a life of misery, always there, just underneath, haunting me quietly alone, it's killing me, killing me~
Goodbye Agony - Black Veil Brides.
YOU ARE READING
Relapse & Repair
No FicciónTRIGGER WARNING My name is Amy, I'm 16 and I have severe depressive disorder. Of course, that's not all there is to me but the diary entries I am going to share with you centre around my second admission to inpatient.
