Relapse & Repair

I'll fight or be taken out alive

23/12/14              Tuesday

(The header is one of the splatter paintings I did with a nurse.)

Why do evenings always seem to be worse than the rest of the day?

The past few have seen me hanging round the door, sometimes kicking it, getting ice gloves and PRN being talked about but never actually happening.

T__'s really good in those situations though, I think he's one of my keyworkers so he's been spending a lot of 1:1 time with me, especially when I'm struggling. We just sit in my room, music from his Spotify blasting and playing cards while I calm down.

After my parents' chat with the psychiatrist and the charge nurse yesterday (which took 2 hours!), it was planned that I'll go on pass 11-5 on Christmas Day and that short passes leading up to that would be helpful.

So I was supposed to be going out today but I had a chat with H__ before that, her explaining that if I ran off, the police would have to bring me back and that if I felt uncertain it was best just to leave it if I didn't feel safe.

I was worrying, well, over-thinking this walk I should be going on and whether or not I'd feel overwhelmed with the urge to run or not. [My parents] just got upset (again, not like me to cause that or anything (!)) when I explained it would be easy to say 'yes, I'll go out' when I really feel like 'no, I don't feel safe enough.'

And that comes back to the age-old question, do I lie to please people or not? It feels like the sole purpose of my being is to please others when I don't feel joy in myself and it comes down to, that's not much of a life really. My parents accepted it eventually but I suddenly snapped and wanted really badly to go out to run but apparently I couldn't because it was dark and they'd planned passes for daylight hours.

Now I've got pressure on me to manage a pass tomorrow and then Christmas... It's such a big effort especially since we're going to my gran and granpa's.

~I'll fight, fight, fight or be taken out alive~
Fight - Icon For Hire.