Love Me Again

7

For almost three hours if I counted right, I waited in the car for my wife. I was hoping we can have dinner and go home together if I stayed and exactly be on time of her departure from the hospital.

Finally, the hands of the clock turned eight in my watch. I saw the only woman I would love exhausted but beautifully gracing the ground outside.

Immediately, I got out of the car and walked towards her to grab her bag and hold her hand.

Like we used to.

But she swatted my hand away and tried to obtain the bag back.

"Lisa, I don't need arguements in this hour. Please, let me rest."

She sighed, I can see how tired her eyes have become. It doesn't glimmer like before when it meets mine.

I wonder if she was tired of her work, or tired being my wife, or tired of me entirely.

I wish not.

"Hon, let me carry this for you, okay? You're tired already I understand. So, come with me let's just eat and we will head home."

She stared to me emotionless for a moment and went straight in the car.

I followed her and run so I can open the car's door like I always do.

She did nothing but entered quietly.

I remember, she really loves simple gestures of that sort. She would kiss me and tell me how sweet I am and how lucky she is.

I wonder if she still thinks of that now, or it has completely turned the opposite.

To that I can only smile bitterly. I know I deserve this, and I'm willingly taking all this pain if it can lessen the weight she has.

I love you Jennie, please come back to me.

Before I feel like crying, I entered the car and started the engine.

It was a painful ride.

Especially when our song played. When the lyrics hit and break on point. I choked to myself and I saw her wiped a tear away.

Her lips were trembling holding back agonizing whimpers.

I stopped the car and let myself be uncontrolled.

I pulled Jennie's body in my embrace and we both shared a cry.

"H---hon, I-I'm really sorry. I didn't want Ellie to die. I-I would forever wish it was me."

Her sobs sounded thicker refusing to hold me back.

"L-lisa, why did you let him die?! I trusted you! Why did you let our son be killed? H-how? W---why of all people it has to be him?..."

I lifted my hand and brushed a strand away from her broken gaze.

"It wasn't supposed to be the parents burying their child...I-I-It should be the other way around... Lisaaaa, bring him back to me...please...

bring my baby back."

Jennie pleaded grabbing me by my collar and shaking my frame as if I could be a god to give life on a body that has lost it.

Her face was a mess, smudged with the black liner she put her lashes with. I looked myself at the mirror, and I did not change.

I was still the same child murderer, the worst parent and spouse.

I can only grieve with Jennie.

I cannot make my wife happy.

The dinner I was going to take her to did not happen. Instead, I let her peacefully sleep for a while as I stroll down the road mindlessly.

I only bought a dinner and prepared it as we sat quietly away from one another in a once happy table.

A tear shed again, I don't know how many there is left.

I saw my son sitting beside Jennie, his two-year old self being fed adorably by her mother on his favourite blue chair.

They were laughing at me for despising veggies so much. Until the memory disappeared and I saw another scene.

Both of them accusing me. Jennie pointing her finger at me and Ellie crying badly as he blames.

"Dada, why? Why did you kill me?"

Regular breathing left me and I felt my chest rising gasping for air. My throat is suffocating and dry.

I-I just wanna die.