Love Me Again

22

Sometimes what our actions say in life echoes for eternity. And we barely realize this until we commit to something grave, something despicable of which even the people that love us most and we cherish back cannot forgive.

No matter how long have researchers and philosophers alike pondered, there is no pellucid way of knowing what the heart of a human has in store. As the scripture itself wrote, there is no other part more deceiving than our hearts.

It makes us do good or at least pretend.
It makes us do right as it is expected.

The brain isn't any better. Everyday it enchants us to owning intrusive thoughts. It would always provide the logical even that meant abandoning a comrade on a survival to save skins of our own.

And Rousseau would still deny these very truths. His hopes lie on thinking humans are 'inherently' good when the very things composing us are bound to commit evil.

We cannot blame the system nor the society, we cannot blame the situation nor its succeeding grief.

We always have a choice on how we would wanna navigate this single life pass, and Jennie knows by now she chose wrong. When Lisa did no promises to return, she knew it was the consequence of her actions.

One she never actually given a thought, her heart deceived her unprepared, thus she trusted time so much that she gave up her control of life over.

Jennie formed this belief in her head that grief would pass, she just needed to vent her heart to something. And by the time she was healed, completely repaired she would come back to Lisa and her actions will not be necessary to be found, deep inside this was her justification.

But time she may have forgotten isn't something to befriend. Because after all there is no greater formidable foe than one that would keep you guessing.

When will I heal? We ask, and time would always tell 'Trust me and be patient, everything will be alright'.

To Jennie it was reassuring, she thought looking after the boy who lost his own mother would refrain the guilt of not being by her own son's side at his very end.

This was something unclear to her before, something she kept repressed.

She wasn't healing alone from losing a son, she was losing her own self. And in the process of it, she lost Lisa.

There is no means to confront time and what it did to her, she cannot plead for it to return to choose better. The only course left is to carry on with all the wrong, put an end to it, and have courage to begin finding the way back the right track.

It's all human.

JENNIE

Since yesterday, I haven't gone out of bed. I have wept a lot out of thinking. I haven't cried this much from that tragic day not until now when I looked back and started to reflect on these things.

What is truly hurting me that made me so gullible and insensitive? I asked first.
Turns out I never hate seeing my wife herself nor do I blame her of our son's passing.

It was my own guilt I cannot face, the nightmares that often wake me up in the middle of night screaming of my neglect, I wasn't able to do anything. Sometimes I saw Ellie crying, lying in a pool of blood wanting me to cradle him.

Sometimes I saw Lisa, she didn't survive the crash, on a casket.

Afraid the same thing would happen, I had my walls built. I needed to defend against her love, it wouldn't hurt as much even if she herself leaves.

I lived in so much fear, I wasn't mindful of my actions. And I know this wouldn't justify anything, I did her wrong.

Second, I thought how great of a timing that is. I met a boy who needed mother's loving, and I was a mother needing to do the same.

I thought it was harmless at first, I thought Kai understood what my purpose is for. He knew how much I love my wife, but he still took things in his advantage.

And maybe I wasn't any different to him.

We took advantage of Lisa's kindness, of his son's vulnerability, of my son's death, of his wife's demise so we can feed ourselves the reality we prefer. We took salvation on our own hands by unremembering.

And look where it led us to, another suffering.

I know I needed to right this so I mustered all the strength I can and went out of bed to cold shower. The water was freezing cascading through my whole yet I don't feel anything.

My system wasn't shivering, it was warmer in here than outside that made me recall what happened last morning. At least in the shower, I could remember the last time we touched. It was way too distant as months have passed, yet I still feel Lisa's look and gentle caress.

Like she didn't left until I needed to face the world outside again, merely the walk in closet that missed the clothes she wore.

There were no signs of a corporate and a casual woman. Nor a loving wife that would meticulously want to wear nothing but white shirt at home.

Her scent was the thing that remained, one that I never really said but grown accustomed to. And for certain as days pass even it, would leave the room.

Before I knew it, there was raining on my cheeks again. How can I hurt so much a person I deeply love. How can little things only matter most to us when we fail to look at the bigger picture. How can we be this ignorant yet pitiful beings.

I stared for a long time before I pulled a yellow hoodie out and a denim short.

Before I go to my wife and ask for forgiveness, I need to straighten things first with Kai. And after, with Kyler. Even the boy would hurt, he needs the truth that I cannot forever be his mother.

Before I left, I called Jisoo to reschedule my patients' appointments. My sister immediately understood the situation. When I phoned her about yesterday and the stupid things I did, I received a lot of berating until she comforted my crying.

She told me she would talk to Lisa, but I told her I had to do it first.

Please don't give up on our marriage,
babe. 

Don't give up on me.

I inserted the car keys and drove.