Redblaze's Regret {COMPLETE}

Chapter 21

 Redblaze's heartbeat thundered in his chest as he raced away from camp, away from his Clanmates, away from what he'd just done. I'm a monster, he thought again. A monster. All he wanted to do now was run forever, run until his problems no longer existed, run until the horrible cat he'd become was nothing but a distant, unpleasant memory.

But that would never happen. Redblaze skidded to a halt when he reached the river, showering pebbles over the surface of the water and nearly tumbling in. He scrambled backwards, fighting for each breath, desperately wishing he could go on. But once he was past Sunningrocks, there would be nowhere else to run. He was confined in RiverClan territory, trapped between the scent markers that were supposed to make him feel safe.

Is this what Minnowpaw felt like when she ran away?

Redblaze cast his gaze to the river, which lapped lightly at the banks as it wove lazily downstream. Part of him expected to find the answers there, in his Clan's namesake, but all he saw was the reflection of his own green eyes. He looked crazed, fur standing on end, ear torn, bleeding everywhere. And still his rage had not subsided.

Furiously, he slapped his forepaw on the surface of the water. "What is wrong with me?" he cried. In his mind flashed Tawnyclaw's crumpled, bleeding body, and Silverheart's snarling face, and the unbridled fear in his Clanmates' eyes. How could he have done that to them? Didn't this make him no better than Minnowpaw, the cat he'd spent the last several moons hating?

Redblaze paused, his heart sinking. No, this made him worse than her, he realized. She... she...

She had never hurt anyone on purpose.

Redblaze's stomach tumbled as the world around him grew silent. It was like he could feel the blood pulsing through his body, and his nerves felt like they were on fire. Minnowpaw had never intended to kill anyone. She'd had no reason to. She'd felt remorse, whereas Redblaze had felt nothing until he fought Silverheart. Minnowpaw was... completely innocent. Redblaze felt his throat tighten. "Idiot!" he cursed himself. "How could I be so stupid?"

"Do all RiverClan cats come to the river to talk to themselves?" A voice broke Redblaze from his trance, and he snapped his head up to see Rainfleck's head peering over the edge of Sunningrocks. The silver tabby tom padded over the small rise of stones and sat across the river from Redblaze, white paws tight together in front of him. His soft blue eyes held concern.

Redblaze tried to stand but his body felt so weak, and his shoulders were sagging with exhaustion. "You're trespassing," he said weakly. As if I'm in any shape to do anything about it, he added silently. After a moment had passed he registered Rainfleck's words. "What did you mean by that?"

Rainfleck looked down, shifting his paws uncomfortably. "Well, Minnowpaw came here once. A few moons ago. Before she died, obviously." His ears drooped with sadness. "There was something going on with her, but she left before I could ask her about it."

"And she was talking to herself, too, huh?" Redblaze asked, trying to sound nonchalant. He liked Rainfleck, but he couldn't look so suspicious in front of an enemy warrior. Through all the buzzing in his head, one thought came through clearly; he didn't trust ThunderClan.

Rainfleck still wasn't meeting his gaze. "I think she was actually talking to the river," he mewed, sounding unsure. "It seemed weird to me, but then again, I don't like water like you guys do."

Talking to the river? "We might swim, but we don't share tongues with the water," Redblaze attempted to joke, but there was a darkness in Rainfleck's downcast eyes that humor wasn't wiping away. Redblaze understood that this was serious to the silver tom. "What was she saying?" he asked softly. A voice in the back of his mind told him this was something he had to know.

Rainfleck's tail swished nervously and he wound it tightly around his paws. "She... she said it should have killed her. That she'd be better off if she had died." His brow furrowed. "I didn't understand it, and I still don't. She thought she should be dead, and next thing I knew... she was."

If Rainfleck said anything more, Redblaze didn't hear it. Minnowpaw thought she should have really died in the river? So, he realized, she blamed herself for those deaths just as much as any cat in RiverClan, as much as he had. Maybe even more.

Oh, StarClan. Redblaze was unable to finish his thought; his stomach was still making leaps and tumbles, his body and mind overwhelmed. With a loud retch, Redblaze turned and vomited onto the riverbank.

A gasp came from Rainfleck, who jumped up. "Oh, no, you're sick!" His eyes were wide. "And you're injured, too? Wait here, I'll go fetch Dawnpelt!"

"You definitely won't be doing that," a sneer sounded from behind Rainfleck. The young tom's eyes flashed with fear and he backed away from the voice, tail shaking slightly. Redblaze's mouth was filled with a vile taste and his head was pounding. He watched as Amberclaw appeared next to Rainfleck, followed by Graytail and Blacknose. All three ThunderClan warriors eyed their Clanmate disapprovingly.

"I've always known you were disloyal," Amberclaw spat in Rainfleck's face. He then scoffed, "Out here talking to an enemy warrior. Copperfoot was right about you." Horror flashed across Rainfleck's face but he said nothing as he shrank farther away from the senior warrior.

Amberclaw then looked across the river to Redblaze, face twisted with hostility. His eyes flicked towards the puddle of vomit at Redblaze's feet, and his nose scrunched up in disgust. "Pathetic," he spat.

Redblaze stood on shaky paws. "You're all trespassing on RiverClan territory!" he meowed, fighting to keep his voice steady.

Amberclaw rolled his eyes, once again looking at Redblaze's sickness. "What are you going to do about it?" he challenged. "If all RiverClan warriors are as weak as you are, then I see no threat from a bunch of cowering fish-eaters." Redblaze growled, pushing back the bile that tried to rise in his throat. Behind Amberclaw, Graytail and Blacknose looked on, arrogance all over their faces, and Rainfleck looked as small as a kit. "RiverClan is weak, and your little show of taking back these rocks from us changes nothing," Amberclaw went on confidently. "Things are changing in this forest, and you'll all be lucky to keep even a portion of your territory."

Redblaze's fur bristled along his spine. "Duskstar would never do that," he spat.

Amberclaw's eyes flashed. "My leader will do whatever is necessary for the good of our Clan," he hissed.

Duskstar is your leader, Redblaze thought, then a chilling idea flooded his head. Was Amberclaw talking about some other cat? Before he could say anything, Amberclaw stood, beckoning his patrol with his tail. "We're leaving," he announced, nipping at Rainfleck, who jumped backwards. "See you later, fish-face," he taunted Redblaze. "You better hope it's not in battle." Redblaze could only watch as the patrol disappeared across Sunningrocks, countless questions swimming in his mind.