to greater things beyond the unknown||RK96000||

Chapter 21: To Let a Bud of Hope Blossom

ao3 - RK96000

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It's finally the first day of the Interhigh Tournament- weeks have flown by without Shouyou's mother in the picture, everything finally settling into place just as he had always dreamed (even if a younger him had thought the key to everything changing would be her finally loving him, maybe it was accepting that she never would instead).

And yet, despite all of that- despite finally being on a team, Shouyou is still frozen in terror (weak, weak, but he always has been), trapped between moving forward (to a brighter future, to everything beyond) and hanging back (in the familiar pain and the familiar suffering).

He's been pushing further and further- but is it enough? Would it ever be?

(What if his mother was right?)

"Shouyou," a clear-cut voice slices right through his thoughts, Shouyou blinking up to see an expectant Akira leaning over from his seat across the aisle in their bus. "We're here."

"Oh," Shouyou says, glancing out the window to see the looming Sendai City Gymnasium and an overwhelming rush of fear, anxiety, and excitement floods in before he can try and shut the dam gates. "Great!"

It is great, but-

(He's going to ruin everything, and then, they'll all hate him too.)

"Shou-chan!"

At this point, Shouyou knows when Tooru has caught him in one of his (unfortunately) frequent overthinking modes- still, he blinks and tries to smile innocently. "Yeah, Tooru?"

Tooru maintains the stern glare for just another second but it crumbles the second Shouyou reaches over and intertwines their fingers as they stand up and get off the bus, which zooms away the second after.

"You can tell me anything, Shouyou," Tooru sighs, and his smile is a little sadder than it has any right being so Shouyou nods immediately before he can remember that-

"It's nothing important!" Shouyou insists. "I promise."

Even saying the words made his heart sink, but it was true, wasn't it?

"We'll talk later," Tooru tells him, the words sparking a deep dread within Shouyou at the thought of talking about his feelings again. Yes, his mother makes him feel pathetic and terrible and- no, she is not abusive-

(At a certain point, Shouyou wonders how much of him is himself and how much is what his mother molded him to be- broken and worthless and ruined.)

Akira bumps into him as Tooru begins leading the rest of the team inside the gym, Shouyou fading away to the very back, too anxious to be by his boyfriend's side (Tooru was the captain after all- and he was just the first year who had bumbled onto the team's roster) but too anxious to have him out of eyesight.

At least there's still time before Aoba Johsai's first round (although it's technically the second-) and Shouyou can just very simply not think about the impending match.

"You're nervous," Akira says- Kindaichi elbows him but Shouyou laughs instead, pretending as if it's not from sheer nerves.

"Me? Nervous?" Shouyou wheezes. "Never."

Kindaichi nods, slowly, completely unbelieving but still going along with it. "Definitely," he agrees dubiously.

Shouyou stares down at his hands- even as they tremble, he knows they've done incredible things. He's set hundreds of balls set by the prefecture's best setter (and, in his opinion, the nation- or even the world's best setter ever) and been coached by the Ace of their powerhouse volleyball team. And yet-