independent. | Jace Wayland

chapter 20: conflict.

<Y/n's Pov>

New York Institute, Upper East side Manhattan

Friday, 06:57 a.m

And for the third time that morning, my back hit the ground. Hard.

"By the Angel Izzy." I groaned, struggling to catch my breath as I prop myself on my elbows.

"I told you to keep your feet planted, that's the reason you keep falling." She explained, showing me her perfect fighting stance for me to copy.

"It's not my fault I have two left feet." I mumbled, pulling myself to my feet and I caught the glimpse of a smirl on her face. I grinned and made an advance, but of course, she planted her left foot, pivoted and for the fourth time. I hit the floor.

"Thank you for confirming my theory." I said breathlessly and she offered me a hand, I took it and she hauled me to my feet.

"What theory?"

"That you, Miss Lightwood, have eyes on the back of your head." I chuckled and she laughed, looking at her feet.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, it was better that time." She smiled, "Come on- again."

We were at it for hours and by the end I felt as if my arms were to fall off.

By the time we were done, I trudged back to my room and collapsed on my bed, my limbs felt like stone. And just like that, I fell asleep.

When I opened my eyes again the clock read 10:06 p.m. it pained my entire body to move. Izzy and I had been training for two days and I still haven't adapted, nor had I improved.

I was still convinced I had two left feet. I sat up and looked to the door, half hoping Jace would walk in just as he had a few nights ago to soothe me to sleep... and to- to kiss me.

But I hadn't seen him since then, he had been on missions and away since then. I could still feel them at times like this... his lips I mean, pressed gently on my skin. I smiled at the feeling. But I was far too awake now to fall back asleep.

I pushed the covers down and padded barefoot to the kitchen which was deserted. I opened the cupboard door. I had hidden the bottle of alcohol in here earlier that evening, the one I had retrieved from my loft but it was gone.

Shit it was gone, moved a few other bottles out of the way but it was gone. It was gone, it was gone, it was gone.

Spiraling tragically out of reach, I tried to grasp any remaining fragments of my sanity. My fingers stretched desperately, but as was always inevitable, it was gone.

"What are you looking for?" It was Jace, of course it was Jace. Of course he was here right now.

"Jace, where have you been?" I asked, ashamed he had caught me looking for the bottle and alarmed at how he had seen my desperation for it, "I'm not looking for anything, how are you?" I asked, desperate to distract him but his golden eyes trailed from the open cabinet to the way I wrung my hands in front of me.

"It's not in there, the bottle, if that's what you're looking for." He said, his voice flat and disapproving, he knew what I was doing. All evidence of the sweet, gentle boy a few nights prior tracless.

"Where did you put it Jace? I need it." I snapped, feeling so on edge, I didn't want, nor did I need his judgment.

"Don't think I didn't see you put it in your bag when we were at the loft. It's not good for you, so I got rid of it." He confessed, moving further in the room, I began to tap my hand on the counter.

"Jace I need it to goddamn sleep, all I want is to sleep but -I just- I need it." I said, my voice sounding more steady then I felt.

"You don't need it, what you need is to become less reliant on getting intoxicated to sleep. You need to sober up. I will not let you tear yourself apart. It's an addiction Y/n. You need help, let me help you." He said, taking a few steps closer, "I just want things to be transparent between us, no more secrets."

"What secrets? There are no secrets." I said, shaking my head, "The truth is every other night I wake up terrified of where I am because it's somewhere I'm not used to and I'm terrified someone's coming after me. I drink to numb that fear, what part of that dont you understand? I'm weak Jace." I began to move past him, aiming for the door but he held my arm.

"I want to help, let me help you. Help me understand why I can do that."

"Yeah sure Wayland, you kiss me, disappear for two days then show up in the middle of the night claiming you know best." I pushed, regretting the words as soon as they came out, i wasn't even sure as to why i was yelling at him.

He meant well, goddamnit he meant well but I felt like I was about to snap and I would rather he wasn't here to see it so I left.  He was silent in response to my venomous words and I left the room. I pulled on some warmer clothes and left the Institute.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, I knew exactly what to go.