Coulda been

not enough

Love hurts.
That's it,that's all I know and the pain in my heart is a constant reminder that I'm just not enough.
The walk home from the bus stop was hazy af,I couldn't even see my feet touching the pavement as I walked down the sidewalk with my head down and my air pods in my ears,shit hurt.
The hardest part was walking in and finding papi spooning my momma on the couch,a fleece blanket over them as they watched TV and laughed together.
This is what love is like. This is how it was supposed to go, strawberries and cream.
Holding hands on the sidewalk,loving each like we did the first time we met even after 16 years of marriage.
They don't notice me standing in the hallway,and I don't bother to announce my arrival,opting instead to watch papi look at his wife like she's nothing short of a goddess. He looks at her like she's the sun and he's the moon,he grins at her like she's the air that he breathes and I know that she loves him cause whenever someone mentions him she blushes bright red.
This is love.

My chest constricted and I made my way up to my room,throwing my bag onto the loveseat and throwing myself on the cold floor,it was rock hard beneath me and it's chill only added to the insufferable shivers that had already overtaken my body.
I thought about him and it hurt to breathe,what hurt even more was that I couldn't cry.
It was like my mind couldn't fully grasp what he'd done,I couldn't believe he was a hoe-I refused to acknowledge the fact that this nigga had hoes,and I was one of em.
              
I refused to eat or even drink any water,nothing was helping.
My throat tightened when I tried to swallow,and I'd ended up spitting it all out.
Thump, Kyrie. Thump,pain.
After what had seemed like the longest 3 hours of studying math,my tears fell.
It started off like the rain,a little drop,then two and I cried until my nose was blocked and I couldn't see.
I crawled into the shower and fuckin cried for what felt like eternity, hot water leaving dull burns on my skin as shivers wrecked through me,it was cold as fuck in there-even with the scorching hot water on my skin.
Why wasn't I enough?
I looked at my body in the mirror through the steam and fresh tears formed in my eyes again- I was fairly pretty,petite and I had great hair. I was kind to him,I cared for him,I called him most mornings to wish him a good day...I didn't mind texting first.
I hugged him often,and the kisses were always the sweetest-so why am I not enough?
Is it because of the flatness where my curves should be?
Is it because of the way my stretchmarks run up my bum all the way to my love handles like jagged scars? Or Is it because my belly is bigger than my titties? Maybe it's because my nose is slightly too big for my face and my smile is crooked-is it because my eyes aren't the same colour?
I've never been enough,mom and dad had Savannah because I couldn't do one simple thing and be the golden child,all my friends either move away or find better circles because I'm not good enough to keep around.
I got melanoma cause God doesn't believe I'm worthy enough to live long-I am not enough!
A toe curling scream bubbled up inside me and I slapped a palm over my face,my other hand clutching my stomach as if you stop the scream from escaping me,I hurt. This body,this heart,this mind-it hurt.
Breathing hurt
Eating hurt
Thinking hurt
Love hurt.

He played me! I gave him my all,my whole heart and soul were in his hands and he decided to shatter them. He'd made me think that my stupid Valentine's present was the first genuine act of love he'd ever experienced and I fell for that,I was embarrassed.
How would I even face all the other kids at school after bragging about his love for me so much? I was stupid!
Why couldn't I see through him?
I couldn't breathe as it felt like my heart was a black hole,sucking my chest and while body into it,it was consuming me and I couldn't stop crying.
I lay there,black spots clouding my vision as I spasmed and threw my head back, wondering if anyone would ever cry if I was caught lackin right here