Coulda been

13|his,and only his.

I'd always loved cooking with my momma,but somethings had changed since I got to high school.
I was always too busy,or too tired and I couldn't keep promising to cook with her only to let her down-so when I came downstairs to help her make food after Mist dropped me off,she was shocked.
"Ma,what can I do to help?"
"Really? Well uh...chop som'a those carrots up,fine dice."
When I see U by Fantasia was playing lowly in the background and we made smooth,swift motions as she made the stir fry and I marinated the chicken.
"When I see youuu,when I see you,baby when iiiiii" I grinned,bringing the wooden spoon to her lips and she sang along,the glow in her eyes makin her look younger than she had in days.
I thought of Kyrie, remembering how fine his ass looked last night at ta'Eddies. his momma ain't gave birth to no goblin,on God.

"Girl the way you singing, I'd swear you was thinking bout a nigga." Momma said,making me roll my eyes before shrugging,turning around to lean against the cupboard.
"Yeah well I ain't,momma you know niggas aint shit." She gave me the side eye,muggin me on some "it didn't seem like that with that white haired boy earlier."
Wait,so she was muggin for Mist? Mist,the guy I've been smoking with for a whole month without her knowledge...right,she doesn't know that,and she doesn't need to know that.

"Mist!?ma,it ain't even like that-me and Mist was just chillin,ayt? He just took me home after papi left for Savannah-"
"Mist?fuck kinda name is that?" She yelled,waving her hands around for emphasis.
"Kenan,his real names Kenan. He ain't bae,ma."
She mumbled some things to herself,then grasped my hand as she sat down on the kitchen stool.

"Baby,you know I only want what's best for you, right? I want you to graduate top of your class in University- I want you to achieve every single dream you've ever had and for that to happen,you have to focus on school now. Focusing on boys isn't finna help you achieve your dreams,baby. That boy Mist, he's pretty,trust me I had pretty guys in my class too growing up,but focusing on them isn't gonna help...I met your papa at 28,so wait okay?" I nodded,she didn't understand.
It don't matter how many dreams I got,it don't matter if I stay away from boys and focus on school- I'm dying.
"Ma,Kenan is my optometrist...and a friend,I'd never fuck a friend." I said instead,my honest thoughts would break her.
"Oh yeah, how'd you get them glasses anyway?" She asked,Mist seemingly erased from her memory,"can I be excused?" I didn't wait for her reply,just ran up the stairs as fast as my feet could carry me.

The hot water scorched my skin,the pain seemingly soothing the moles scattered across my skin- I hated being me. This was the problem,no one knew the tears I hid in my room,they didn't know I slept with a pillow holding all my fears every night.
They don't know that I look at the NYU application forms,but I don't fill them in because I'm not gonna be here to attend in 2024 anyway- I'm dying and as hard as it is for any of us to accept it,I won't make it to 18,and I won't get married.
☎️☎️☎️
"Hello?"
"Ma,you here?"
"...yeah I'm here."
"Are you okay?"
"If taking crack and drinking myself into a hospital okay,then yeah I'm okay."
"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that to you-and I'll understand if you wanna break up wimme." I sat quietly picking at my nails, contemplating-hesitating,I didn't wanna give up on us. I wanted me and him to work out, so bad. I wanted to wake up,and have him by my side.
I wasn't gonna live a full life,but if I had him with me-everything would be okay, because I loved him. My heart was his,and whether he knew it or not,I was his to keep-to love,to cherish...if he wanted to.
"Lil' mama,you still there?"
"... yeah. Listen...I want us. I want us to try and be together,and be loyal to each other-but only if you're willing,only if you'll break up with the girl from Queens and have me as your only,be MY man...not ours"
"I hear you...ma,I'm sorry I hurt you. I'll be there, on my mother's grave- I'll be yours. Thank you,for giving me this chance. I promise I won't let you down."
"Bet"
"So we good?"
"If you good then I am"
"Nah ma it don't work like that,is you straight?"
"Ye I'm aight...I'm ending the call now."

So look,I'll admit- I was a sucker for his love! I been a foo for that,I don't even know what made me trust that he would change...but with my first chemo scheduled for that whole week,I didn't have time for logic-not yet atleast.

After dinner,I resigned to my room to do some homework when Devon fell in through the window,rubbing his head as he scanned the room for me- I almost laughed watching Spiderman scowl at my amused face,"shii ain't funny homes,almost cracked my skull"
"Huh bruh,that's what yo ass gets for sneaking in here." He flipped me off,pulling out two blunts from his pocket and handing one over to me,"wanna cyph wimme?"
"Bet,but we ain't doin it in here,let's get outta the house,smoke in the tree?" He shrugs,helping me up onto the highest branch before settling beside me,taking out slim Jim's from his pocket and handing some to me.
"We smoke,we eat. I like me that much"
"Tch your mean ass seems in a betta mood,you killed that fro nigga?"
"Nah...we got back together" I laugh,taking a pull deep into my lungs before bursting into a fit of coughs-I'm better at that drunk.
"Homes for your sake,I hope that nigga got his shit straight-from the way you sauced his face last night I ain't thought he was even gon hit you up no mo. What he said?"
"Man stop gassin me,he said he was gon do betta..."
"Uh huh,that shi weak as hell! He cheated on yo fine ass?... Homes you know I'd never do that,but aiiight-whatever he say"
We sat there until midnight,just smoking my lungs up and eating some more- I liked that Devon didn't make me feel pressurized into telling him anything yet I ended up spilling it anyway,I told him about Kyrie and I debriefed all that ish I had on my mind bout Hakeem's dad kickin him out and beatin on Storm,I told him about all my 'bestfriends' and how I ain't felt the vibes catchin no mo...I told him about everything except the cancer,never that.