The Boy With The Blue Eyes [Louis Tomlinson Story AU]

Chapter 14

**This chapter contains depressing material, and self-harm. If you are not comfortable with that, please DO NOT read.**

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When I was home finally, the girls put in bed, and everything tidied as it should be, I clumped my way up the stairs into my room.

The confusion I was going through was definitely not good for my already throbbing head, but the thoughts would no more leave my head than the pain under my cast.

There was a pain in my heart too. I had waited for years for Louis to finally notice me, and once he had, I'd moved on, finding feelings for another. But now that both of then focused their feelings on me, I was at a loss on who to chose.

I wasn't sure who I really liked, and who i just didn't want to let go of. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call Maliya.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mi, I umm, I need help," I could hear the desperate crack in my tone, and as my best friend, I'm sure she did too. I felt the tears stun my eyes as I tried to figure out a way to put my thoughts into words, as I heard her patiently waiting on the other line for my explanation.

"Alice.." She hesitated. I knew it seemed foolish to be crying, but haven't you ever been so frustrated that you couldn't hold back the tears any longer ?

"I don't know what to do, I don't want to choose, I don't want to have that decision over my head . I don't want to have the result effect the rest of my life, I don't want to be responsible." The tears were everywhere, coating my shirt and the bedspread, my throat was ticklish, and I felt my headache worsening.

"Al, I know, and you shouldn't have to choose, you're too young for this silly kind of Middle School pressure," she sighed. No matter how useful Maliya's advice was, she wasn't an expert over every issue in the world.

"I can't handle this Mi, I can't handle it at all. I can't." And then a thought came to my mind. The thought not only scared me, but it enticed me. That scared me even more.

"Allie, I wish I could help, but.. I don't know what to say ." I sniffled and then I felt my heart give a clench, my eyes turn cold, and all emotions drain from my body.

"Thanks anyway Maliya, I'll see you later, I have to go." Hanging up, I stood, almost robotically, and walked to my bathroom.

I stared in the mirror at the scared, small girl. My hair was a mess, my makeup no better. Why was this messing with me so much ? Deep-rooted problems, was the answer that popped into my head. I chose between my parents when i was younger, and my father left, a weeping mess, and he found an escape.

He felt suicide was his only resort after he lost his family, money, job, marriage, he lost everything but his life, so he took that himself.

Hiding in the shadows was what had kept me from having to make serious decisions that I had never wanted to be a part of. Now that I'm no longer the wallflower girl I was, I'm faced with the real world, that I'm not prepared for.

I felt the tears hit my hand before I knew they were falling. That angered me even more.

With rage driven direction, I let my fist fly into the mirror. Not a lady-like action, but the fury I felt at the world, at my sniveling father, at myself blinded me.

I saw ribbons of red flowing down into the sink drain, and all thoughts left my mind. I watched the blood leak from my hand, shards of glass also going down the drain. The color was enchanting to my eyes, never really being one to thirst for bloody stuff, this shocked me.

Seeing the blood was what really snapped me.

I slammed my palms onto the counter, staring at my reflection that was cut into a million slivers. Then the flood of thoughts was released.

Why me ? Why now ? Why can't I ever just be left alone ? I helped cause my fathers death, despite what I convinced myself, my mother wasn't very close either. Always sneaking extra glasses of wine, leaving late and coming home even later. This wasn't the life I wanted. I pull a facade to make others believe that I'm okay, that my life is easy.

My life may not be a deadly battle daily, but it was no piece of cake.

I turned to the shower, turning on the freezing cold water, blood still dripping from my knuckles, on the floor, the tub, everywhere. I threw myself in the tub, slumping in exhaustion and anger, fully-clothed but not caring.

I threw my casted leg out of the tub to prevent the cast from becoming ruined. Then I saw it.

A medium-sized shard of mirror, laying next to the tub. I picked it up, flipping it to examine every bloodstained inch. Then I did what no one would ever imagine I'd do.

I closed my eyes, dragging the shard against the inside of my left wrist, and relived the day my father left.

**FLASHBACK**

"I don't love you anymore, John! Why don't you understand that? You cause nothing but trouble for this family, marrying you was a mistake, do you hear me? A MISTAKE." My mother was inches from my fathers cowering figure. He was unshaven, tie-loose, dress clothes a mess.

"I'm trying to find a job, I am, honest ! There's no where to work in this town, they don't want me!" His eyes darted in fear and locked onto my small ones. I was merely 8 at the time.

"I don't want you either. You need to leave John."

"Alice, Allie, Al. Don't look at me like that," my father pushed past my mother, kneeling before me. "Don't look at me like that, like I'm a failure, I'm your father! Don't look at me like that, do you hear me?" He shook me ruffle by the shoulders. "Come with me Allie, come on. You're my little girl Al. Don't you love me still?" His eyes got glassy, and I stared into his face. What was I to say? He was my father, but I'd never go against my mother for anyone.

"Get out John!" My mother took a step forward.

I felt the sting on my cheek before it registered, "Listen to me Child ! Come with me, I'm your god damn father! Don't you love me, stupid girl?" My eyes watered as I held the cheek that was no doubt swelling. He shook me harder and harder, I felt myself getting dizzy. K heard him shout prfanities as he stood, throwing objects around, hitting my mother, and then he ran, right out of the house.

That night my mother tended to my cheek. As I lay down, and slept, my dreams haunted me. My father was running towards me, blood in his eyes, screaming at me 'Stupid girl, don't you love me? I'm your god damn father! You stupid girl.' He hit me, and I watched him beat my mother in my dream.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

That event stayed with me. I could never forget the rage in my fathers eyes, the desperation. Emotions I had seen not moments ago in my own.

When I heard about his suicide I felt responsible. That's why I can't decide between the two boys, what if either of them ended up like my father ?

I threw the glass, the two deep cuts flowing red. But I ignored the stinging of the icy water and closed my eyes.

They'd find me in the morning, and everything will be normal. No one will be fighting for my attention, my heart. I'll be allowed to do what I want without a fatal consequence.

So I slept, and just as my blood leaked from my wrists, my thoughts leaked from my mind as it turned into a swirling black mess, and I blacked out.

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A/n:

So sorry for the long wait, it has been awful hard to fin any motivation to keep writing !

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