almost; dream ✓

two

"do you have to?"

anna folded her last hoodie from the closet, leaving the ones that originally belonged to clay.

"i think staying with my mum and dad is best." anna looked up to meet clay's eyes.

they were so sad. the lively green now looked so dull. he looked at her so desperately. he was desperate for anna to realize this was a mistake. he held onto the smallest hope that she would look at him again and feel just a fraction of the love that she once held for him.

"this hurts. i don't know how to fix this." he sat on the edge their- his bed. his elbows sat on his knees as he searched anna for some sort of answer.

"i don't know if it's something to fix. i don't like the dialogue around my feelings being made to sound like its something to fix."

"did you forget? was any of it real?" clay had tried for so long to not allow himself to get over emotional, to prevent anna from shutting down, but his anger had boiled up from the lack of dialogue.

"i mean, seriously anna. you can't throw away 2 years with no answers." he was clinging onto any bit of sanity by raking his hand through his hair in an attempt to ground himself.

"could you not feel it? things have felt different. i-i don't know how to explain it," anna sat on the ground in front of clay with her legs crossed, fidgeting her hands. "i'm not fine. i know i've been saying i am for a while, but i'm not. i feel like i'm going crazy clay."

"i don't understand." he sadly admitted.

"i knew you wouldn't." anna scoffed, trying to stand to walk away but clay grabbed her arm.

"then explain it to me."

he carefully brought her back to the ground, now sitting in front of her.

"my mind is broken, i-i think. it doesn't make sense. i've loved you so much and so deep. and i just, don't right now. and its been for a little while. i can't explain why."

"i didn't know things were getting bad again."

clay knew all too well of the intricacies of anna's mind, better than most. he knew the deep rooted feeling of urgency that would come over her to self sabotage every good in her life, even when she knew she shouldn't. normally he caught on quickly and helped her out of these spells. but she had apparently became good at hiding it.

"i know you still can love me, anna. it's still down in there." he carefully placed his index onto her sternum.

"i don't know if i can and i hate myself for that, clay." tears welled up in her eyes as she forced the dialogue to continue, despite wanting to shut down. "i feel like i need to restart my life again. i need to go home and reconnect and hope that it can help fix my brain."

over the last few weeks, clay had slowly been watching his everything deteriorate into nothing. and now, she was sat on the floor of the bedroom that was once theirs to share and was so broken.

"you're really gonna go back to england?"

she nodded, knowing her words had the power to break her even more in that moment.

"i need you to promise me something."

clay scooted close and wrapped his arms around anna. she wanted to resist, because if she resisted it would prevent more hurt, but she so desperately needed his comforting touch in this moment.

"first, i need you to not shut out george. he's your best friend. he cares about you and wants to help and can help. and second, please don't give up on us. i really think we can fix this and make things even better. so please don't give up on us. don't give up on me. okay, honey?"

anna sadly nodded into his chest as she inhaled a deep breath of clay's cologne and laundry detergent, as if this was the last time she would ever smell it. the smell of evergreen mixed with clean linen would always be her favorite smell because of clay.

"can i ask you a favor?" anna quietly said with a voice crack.

"you could ask for the stars and i'd find a way to get them to you, of course you can ask a favor."

"can i just lay with you for a bit?"

clay didn't need to respond. he simply picked up the girl as if he was carrying a bride through the threshold. he carefully laid her on the bed and once he laid down she found herself scooting close, laying her head on his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heart as he held her close, knowing it may be the last time he was ever able to do this.