The Dark Roads: The Complete Story

Chapter 1: Magnets

August 21, 2023

~Current times~

I felt it now, crawling underneath my skin. It was everywhere at this point. Just as it was yesterday and the day before. Just as it has been for as long as I can remember.

Darkness. Unrelenting Darkness.

I'm not talking about actual darkness. I could see what was going on around me. I'm talking about inside of me. Inside my mind, inside my heart, was all dark and cloudy.

I tried to think of the good in life. The happy memories. I tried to drown out the dark. It didn't work. It almost always failed. My mind had a stain that needed to be washed out, and I still haven't figured out how to get rid of it. I had found temporary solutions before, but it felt overwhelming this time.

Maybe my family was the solution, but that didn't work. Maybe it was my friends... doubt it. What if it was the sky, the moon, and the stars? I kept trying and trying to find the answer, but I still felt an empty feeling inside my heart.

This darkness inside me hasn't always been this unbearable. Earlier in my life, I had made peace with it. I had it all under control. It wasn't until a year ago that it all started again. The pain and regret. The darkness.

It was all because of this girl. This lustful, pain-filled, and deceiving girl. She is the reason this darkness hasn't subsided. And how would I find the temporary cure to this darkness?

Another girl.

Ironic, isn't it?

This girl, however, was different. She was not just any girl; she was the girl for me. I always knew she would be someone who was special to me. Her name was Tracy. Tracy has given me what my ex-girlfriend took away. She balances out the stresses in my life. Today I needed her, like most other days.

I desperately wanted something to distract myself from the darkness I felt inside myself. This emptiness inside me always subsided when I saw Tracy. Today she was wearing her favorite purple and pink, somewhat tie dye, shirt with blue jeans and white sneakers. We would always hug when we saw each other, but it was always in more of a friend way.

Back when I was a fourteen year old kid who believed cuties existed,  I still liked Tracy. She moved to Texas when she was a lot younger, but didn't transfer to our school until she was thirteen. My parents became good friends with Tracy's parents, then one thing led to another and eventually we became best friends.

I always loved getting to know who Tracy was as a person. Tracy was, above all, a caring friend. She was sweet, gentle, and kind. She was funny, full of energy, and very pretty. She was the perfect girl next door; or across the street in my case.

When I thought of everyone else I knew in my high school, it made me realize how alone I really was. I was losing everyone around me, but Tracy stayed with me through thick and thin.

Today, we both agreed to go to our favorite ice cream place to hang out. Although we have never been anything more than friends before, I was enthralled in her presence every time we visited. Her beauty and warmth helped me through my high school years. Without her, I don't know where I'd be, or if I'd even still be here.

Every day I saw a new Tracy. Some days she had a look in her eye that told me she was full of curiosity. She'd look at the world as if it was full of mystery. Some days she showed me her funny side. Other days she was more serious and only wanted to talk about very serious things.

My favorite side of Tracy was when she showed me her brave and fearless side.  That was what I saw in her today.

I felt her draw towards me more and more as the day grew thin. It was like there was a magnet that attracted us both towards each other. It was happening whether we liked it or not. I definitely liked it.

Through all this she showed no signs of awkward nervousness. She was confident and brave. This elevated me to be just as brave as her; a very hard task to do, but I still tried.

We were sitting at a bench just outside the store we had left. She was next to me and we were talking about all sorts of things. She'd look at me like I was the only person in the world. In those moments, I wanted her. I wanted to forget everything going on around us and show her how much she means to me.

As much as I want to act upon this feeling of lust, I tried my best to brush it away every time it happened. I'd fallen in love once before and it left me wrecked inside. It took me months to gain back any kind of trust. So far, Tracy has been that one exception.

We talked for what felt like hours that day. We both marveled at the complexity that is the college application. Just getting accepted to a university is difficult. As we continued to talk and laugh about mostly unimportant things, I soon realized that it was time for her to go home.

As she waved goodbye and made a turn to walk away, I kept struggling to say anything to her as she left. I wanted her to stay with me but I wasn't strong enough to let her know how I felt. It was less of a fear of rejection and more of a fear that taking this any further would lead to even more darkness.

I don't know if I could ever recover from another heartbreak.

I've always struggled in my life, but my last resort to ending it all was her companionship. Life is only as good as your perspective of it, and mine hasn't always been great. She made me feel like I wasn't hopeless; in those moments of warmth and security, I saw beauty in my own darkness. We were complete opposites in that way. She was a bright star and I was a black hole. She was beauty and I wasn't worth looking at.

But if magnets have taught us anything its that opposites attract.

I got home and laid down in my bed. Thoughts swarmed through my head. My brain was like a bee hive, and my thoughts were the bees. They came in and out as they pleased. Sometimes they were happy thoughts; most times they weren't.

I needed something to distract myself as I tried to fall asleep. I dug deep into my brain and found the pleasant things in life. I started to feel warm inside. I thought of family and friends. I thought of the beach and the bright sun. I thought of the stars. But then I started to think of her. The brightest star.

When I think about her, my mind feels like it is being lifted up ever so high. I feel like there's no limit I can't reach, no mountain I can't climb, no river I can't traverse.

Unfortunately, moments like these didn't last forever. Before I could even think another thought, I fell asleep, dreaming of what I was dreaming of the night before.

Darkness.

As I slept, I heard my doubts calling out to me. Reminding me of why I am the way I am. It was repeating a phrase to me over and over again..

You'll never be good enough for her...

Word Count: 1295